After a certain amount of controversy regarding my barking or lack thereof, I am forced to take pen to paper or paws to keyboard in the hopes of offering some explication. Really I shouldn't have to do this, but some folks just don't appreciate the subtlety of these rules, which, I might point out, are both universal for my kind and self-imposed.
1. Guests and intruders. Really vice-versa, as guests are just a subset of intruders. Upon entry, barking is generally required. This may cease once the intruder has been successfully identified as welcome, provided the stranger remains quiet and does not attempt to leave or to use the facilities. The number of guests will generally determine one's reaction. The greater their numbers, the more the odds shift in their favor, which mandates in most cases a shift to a quieter approach and also enhances the chances of obtaining cheese.
With respect to actual unwelcome intruders, like home invaders and repairmen, care must be taken to assess the degree of hostility that is present. Remember, I am the Sentinel. If the Sentinel perishes, who will give the warning?
2. Dogs. Dogs are always unwelcome. They may be noticed when they bark or whine, but should be ignored completely as if they did not exist unless seen. When seen, and only when seen, they must be barked at until they disappear from sight. This applies even when they are not really there, but are only seen on television or as abstract representations of dog-like entities. If it looks like a dog and moves, barking is the required response.
3. Horses. I have never seen a real horse. However, from the images I have seen on television, they are very bad things and must be barked at always, even when they are standing still.
4. Other animals. These must be treated on a case by case basis, but generally I have nothing against them, even screeching birds, so they may safely be ignored or left alone or even welcomed like that cute little squirrel who lives in the garden across the way or the little wren that sometimes perches on the fence or the window ledge. These lovely creatures enjoy my benediction and protection.
5. Flying insects indoors. These must be barked at all the time when seen or when they buzz around. If they land they may be and should be swatted. I really hate flies. I mean they "bug" me. Ha, ha, ha. Outdoors, they should be tolerated or ignored unless they get too close, in which case they should be swatted.
6. Other people. People walking by are treated on a case by case basis. If I do not like the cut of their jib, they get barked at. Or if they are bouncing balls or wake you up. Ditto. Otherwise, they should be observed but left alone. Outside, like on a walk, they are best ignored unless they approach in a friendly manner, in which case I like to bark at them just to keep them on their toes.
Well, this has been a pretty exhausting exercise. I shall discuss play barks, demanding barks, and other special barks on another occasion. Now it is NAP TIME!!!
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