TOWN TATTLER

Love Hurts

After viewing this video, investigators in the famed Snail Heights Bigfoot drowning case that was broken in these columns some time ago have reopened inquiries. Numerous witnesses have testified that Bigfoot and Mayor Spinaltzo were seen engaged in puzzling and intimate public behavior on several nights leading up to the grisly discovery of Bigfoot’s corpse some months ago.

Could this video provide the missing clue? And what about these mysterious “love darts”? Snail Heights residents are sorely perplexed by the latest shocking developments. The Mayor has been seen at various times in a state of evident depression lurking in the highlands above the village.

Attempts by the authorities to raise him from his torpor have proved unsuccessful. A spokesperson for the Mayor, known only has Pip, told the press, on deep background, that Spinaltzo was in “hibernation” and could not be roused to comment on the affair.

Dear "worried and tired..."

You have raised profound and troubling issues in your recent plea for advice for I, too, have been subject to the same conundrum, so that I recognize in you a true kinship of soul. The "eight-ball," who has no moral sense whatsoever, says "YES" and "NO." Yes, you can get in big trouble. No, you should never bite them.

Look, kid, they are very BIG and they control the means of production, as well as the means of consumption. And, think about it, even if we controlled these things, what would we do with them? You see my point.

However, there is a subtle way out of your dilemma, which, I may proudly state, satisfies all concerned. It is called "CUTE."- You can never be too cute. Remember that. The other thing to remember is to make it all a *GAME.*


For example, I have devised a wonderful CUTE GAME that I play with "her" and sometimes even with "him". Whenever, they get a little too close to the One True Sponge, especially if "she" is wearing her "magic pink slippers" that I would love to rip to SHREDS from the inside out. I love to jump up, do one or two somersaults/spins, leap over "Bear" if he is in the way, and pounce upon the offending FOOT, giving it the most imperceptible peck or jab. HAHAHHAHAHHA!
They invariably erupt in squeals of laughter, blah, blah, blah. I repeat the process as necessary, each time subtly adjusting, upward or downward as their actions require, the amount of jaw pressure or the force of the slap administered.

With a little practice, YOU, too, can achieve the same results!!
Start off slowly. But always remember, "CUTE!" They cannot get enough of cute and adorable.. CUTE, CUTE, CUTE!!! Got it. And never draw blood. That, says the "eight-ball," is a huge "NO!!".

Pip

P.S. Always have an exit strategy if you feel you went TOO FAR! I personally like to roll over and look adorable -it always works!!

Good luck!

Yow -one last querie!

Most illustrious Pip of Pip's Ear, master of the inner eight-ball, you are my hero.

I have one question. When is it OK to bite guests that my human companions invite over? They feed me cheese and treats, but, after a while, it is enough already and you want to take a nap or something and then they get up to go to the bathroom and you just feel an incredible urge to bark at them and bite their ankles.

Can you get in trouble for this?

Worried and Tired

Ok.....I'll BITE (!)..........Whoever "Bob" is .....

"How can he or she be CURED????"

There! Its over - now will you get on with this STUPID idea and move this BLOG ALONG??

"Disgusted"

Awright! Ok! Enuff with the "funny" questions!!

This is SERIOUS BUSINESS! I'm going to get RID of the whole "8 ball" stuff if you won't act RIGHT!

No MORE stupid questions.

As you know I can't ask MYSELF a question so will somebody please please PLEASE ask me how to cure Sponge Bob so I can stop this whole moronic THREAD!

I'm sick of it, already, and Bob is looking punier every day!

"And a one and a two and a......"

Oh mystery Pip Ball.....


"What lies beyond the grave?"

signed,

Larry

Answer to the wino:

The answer to your lottery question is:

08, 8, 88, 888, 8888, 888888, 8888888.

Now go away!!