The Nest

Just my luck. I go away for a week or so on "vacation" and these little birdies who have been under my protection for longer than I can remember hatch out and move away.

Drats! I began watching this bird house two years ago. No action. No tenants. No nothing. Then I see and hear these little noisy chirpers flying all around the deck at all hours and what do I know, I just thought they were excited about eating bugs or something or whatever it is they do for fun. So I go away for a week and the night I come back there are a bunch of them hanging out tweeting and twittering and bouncing around and I think what the hell is going on I'm trying to take a nap and then, lo and behold, gone without a trace.

Am I unlucky or what? Poor me. Where are my little feathered friends? Come back, little birdies. I will look out for you. I promise.

Barking Rules

After a certain amount of controversy regarding my barking or lack thereof, I am forced to take pen to paper or paws to keyboard in the hopes of offering some explication. Really I shouldn't have to do this, but some folks just don't appreciate the subtlety of these rules, which, I might point out, are both universal for my kind and self-imposed.

1. Guests and intruders. Really vice-versa, as guests are just a subset of intruders. Upon entry, barking is generally required. This may cease once the intruder has been successfully identified as welcome, provided the stranger remains quiet and does not attempt to leave or to use the facilities. The number of guests will generally determine one's reaction. The greater their numbers, the more the odds shift in their favor, which mandates in most cases a shift to a quieter approach and also enhances the chances of obtaining cheese.

With respect to actual unwelcome intruders, like home invaders and repairmen, care must be taken to assess the degree of hostility that is present. Remember, I am the Sentinel. If the Sentinel perishes, who will give the warning?

2. Dogs. Dogs are always unwelcome. They may be noticed when they bark or whine, but should be ignored completely as if they did not exist unless seen. When seen, and only when seen, they must be barked at until they disappear from sight. This applies even when they are not really there, but are only seen on television or as abstract representations of dog-like entities. If it looks like a dog and moves, barking is the required response.

3. Horses. I have never seen a real horse. However, from the images I have seen on television, they are very bad things and must be barked at always, even when they are standing still.

4. Other animals. These must be treated on a case by case basis, but generally I have nothing against them, even screeching birds, so they may safely be ignored or left alone or even welcomed like that cute little squirrel who lives in the garden across the way or the little wren that sometimes perches on the fence or the window ledge. These lovely creatures enjoy my benediction and protection.

5. Flying insects indoors. These must be barked at all the time when seen or when they buzz around. If they land they may be and should be swatted. I really hate flies. I mean they "bug" me. Ha, ha, ha. Outdoors, they should be tolerated or ignored unless they get too close, in which case they should be swatted.

6. Other people. People walking by are treated on a case by case basis. If I do not like the cut of their jib, they get barked at. Or if they are bouncing balls or wake you up. Ditto. Otherwise, they should be observed but left alone. Outside, like on a walk, they are best ignored unless they approach in a friendly manner, in which case I like to bark at them just to keep them on their toes.

Well, this has been a pretty exhausting exercise. I shall discuss play barks, demanding barks, and other special barks on another occasion. Now it is NAP TIME!!!

Under Siege

How would you like to saunter over to your favorite narrow little window and see this monster staring you in the face. Not a very pleasant thought. But an almost daily occurrence this summer. That's right. They're back. The spiders, I mean.

Fortunately, one blow from the flying furry fist of fury was enough to the stun the beast. A second pop would have been the haymaker, but "he" intervened, telling me that the beast had a right to live, blah, blah, blah, and swept it out into the garden.

OK, OK, theoretically he is right, but I shall not miss a second chance. These things are scary.

Ho Hum

Boring, boring, boring. I got to go along on their famous vacation week in Door County. Vacation? I mean they don't work, do they? So what do they need a vacation from. Anyway, I was not impressed.

One good thing, and a precedent for trips to come, I pitched such a freakin' bitch when they tried to leave me parked in the shade while they went on one of their "runs" that they had to take me along. And that was good. There is nothing so satisfying as ripping off at a breakneck pace on my 26 foot leash and watching them huffing and puffing to keep up.

But other than that, they just soaked up the scenery. I got two new water dishes. Yippity do! And also a squeaky frog that lays eggs that I have not yet been able to track down in the house. Hmm. This latter has possibilities.

Back home yesterday. I can see that in my absence the spaniels and the poodles and all the other mutts and the stinky little dachshunds too have taken to parading about the complex with no regard for other's naps and territory. I shall soon put the kibosh on these monstrous affronts to my dignity.

This is Not Spongebobby

OK. I know the old sponge when I see him and this is not him. And neither is old Red Bob, my second favorite toy, himself. No, dear reader, these are impostors. These, dare I say it, are PODS!!!

Or they have been washed and scrubbed, which is next to the same thing.

They have been counted though in the census. So have Bubbabob and Blue Bob, who, oddly enough, seem just like their old selves. They told me, however, that I was right and that S. and R. are different. Not the same.

What to do?

"He" told me to sleep on it and that after a few games of fetch, God's own game, they will be just as stinky and moldy as they ever were. We'll see.

More Census Confusion

I have many bear friends. I have issued a call for all of them to report and be counted. So far none of them have showed up. Instead these guys turned up outside my window this morning. Needless to say, I beat feet out of there fast. But a word to my so-called bear friends. This sort of frivolity will not be tolerated during the census. You have been warned.

An Enigma Wrapped in a Mystery

That's me alright. What am I thinking when "she" is home alone with me singing those weird songs about me? Here's what I look like:

But lets just say that's for me to know and "her" and anybody else to find out. Is there more to me than meets the eye? I don't know and what's more I'm not saying.

Still the sentiments expressed in the songs are very welcome and much appreciated.