This is Not My Beautiful House

This is not my beautiful wife, etc., etc., etc.

Dear Reader, look closely at the surroundings. Notice anything. Have I ever been photographed or would I permit myself to be photographed in this "shotgun shack?"

Hah!!! This thing, whatever it is, is clearly an illusion. Move along.

Hey, WHITE BOY!! Get out of my chair!!!

One potato, two potato.....by the time I get to "10 potatoes" -  you better disappear!!

Pip I

Out! Out! Damned Spot!

Whoa!!! Wait a minute!!!!!!

Who is sitting in my chair?

That's better.

Whoa! Its GREAT to be back home!

Sure feels WONDERFUL to wake up from that NASTY nightmare on my own nice little brown sofa.

Hey, I'm HUNGRY - what's a guy got to do to get some FOOD around here???

"WIsh I may, wish I might.....make my wish come true tonight!"

"please take pip home.  No more maps,  no more twinkling sisters, no more bleary eyed astronauts, etc."
That is all.

Pip

The Map

Lots of news to report, Dear Reader, some of which is so incredible you will not believe it. I'm sorry, it's true all the same.

First, the impossible vision I experienced at the end of the last post was none other than my lost lost sister Jujube. When I last heard from her, she wrote heartfelt words of encouragement from Cricklewood, which I had thought to be a suburb of London. Little did I know the nefarious plots, the subterranean deceptions, the, the... But I digress.

Jujube and I were separated at a young age. One day a whirlwind occurred. I landed in the middle of a field in Indiana where I was discovered and adopted by "him" and "her." Where Jujube landed I never knew. I had presumed in Cricklewood.

Anyway, not to belabor the point, shortly after experiencing the miraculous vision of my kid sister, I passed out again. When I awakened, I saw before me the map reproduced above. The most curious thing about the map was that it appeared to be entirely without feature.

Buster the astronaut suggested that it was written in some sort of invisible ink that might be revealed by a chemical reaction or heat. Buster was very excited. He thought it might provide a clue for a way out of this place.

We dipped it in vinegar first, but that didn't work. Then Buster held a match behind it. Lo and behold, the image depicted at the right appeared. Buster was flabbergasted.

"This is it! This is it!" he cried, beside himself with the joy of discovery, or something. Unfortunately, at that moment I was seized by a fit of sneezing, the result, no doubt, of all that vinegar. In one final surge, the pink goop that had been enveloping my wonderful nose - the goop that was the result of the happy juice side effect - the pink goop shot loose and completely enveloped Buster.

Buster was paralyzed, encased in a pink gooey cocoon. The rest of the astronauts jumped to his aid, but no one could get it off. I looked over the map. It appeared to be a star map of the universe.

"We are here," Colby, one of Buster's fellow astronauts, pointed out."

OK. OK. I mean how does that help? I mean, WTF! I know we are here, Colby. I don't want to be here. I want to be there, at home with "him" and "her". And I want to rescue Jujube too. I want to go to Crickewood wherever it is, as long as it is not too far, that is. I mean, I mean.

Whatever.

And who might YOU be????

All of a sudden this dude showed up in the Hut.  He just sort of swirled in on a rainbow!  So far he is just giving me "the eye" but I think he is DEFINITELY up to something!
I wonder why he suddenly shows up - NOW??

Well, I'm still HERE! I have like 5 hours to get back HOME!!

Problem is I've developed a little PROBLEM....every time I exhale - a big PINK BUBBLE comes out!!
This is getting REAL OLD and its prevented me from finding the interstellar map which is NECESSARY for me to find some WORMY HOLE to scoot through and get back HOME in time for the frigging FIREWORKS - get it???

Sorry, blogee, but I"m highly PISSED!  to be blunt.

Buster the astronaut said I have a SYNDROME!!  Me!!  A SYNDROME!!!

Its not the first time he's seen it and, turns out, its a SIDE EFFECT from Ming's "Jolly Juice" (aka "Happy Juice") which he gave me when he removed the CREEPY CRAWLIE thing stuck to my nether region!


Buster told me there is a CLASS ACTION suit against "Jolly, Inc" - the mysterious biomedical research company that makes "Jolly Juice" is a BLACK OP cult!!!!!.

 So I've spent the day in the Law Library here in the Zulu Hut  looking up how to file a Class Action Suit.

Then something VERY STRANGE happened.  I was standing on a ladder reaching WAY UP and it was REAL HARD..

when I lost my balance and I tried to catch myself......and I fell over BACKWARDS and HIT my Head on this fugly CUPBOARD!!!

 Ouch!  Double OUCH!!  Just as I was getting UP - a rolled a FILTHY  old raggedy paper fell on me!!!
Hey WAIT A DARN MINUTE - is that the sound of FIREWORKS I hear from my old Lakefront???
Oh Woe is me..........what is to become of PIP now???

I had too much to dream last night!

I woke up in the back room of Ming's Alternative Reality Clubhouse in the ISS's Zulu Hut and a bunch of HORRIBLE green things were crawling all over me like lice on a nasty movie theater seat!  Thankfully, as soon as I gave them a few of my powerful "grrrrrrrrr's" they ran away like little pantywaists!  hahahhahahhahahahahahahhaha   Its GOOD to be POWERFUL!

Seems after my new BFF old MING-O performed a PRECISION operation on my "nether region" and removed the REPULSIVE creepy crawlie, the ANESTHESIA he administered ("Happy Juice!) knocked me out completely!  I was so ZONKED after than that I dreamed I was back in that BORING and "been there, done that" (zzzzzzzzzzzzz) Cave O'Dreams schtick.

Thank Jehova - it was all just a dream!!

Now that that's over - whew - I have to eat breakfast (Cheerios - tartar!) and say "adieu" to Ming and his MINIONS and to the astronauts, Buzz, Bud, Biff, Boomer and Buster - what a great bunch of Boys!

Then  I have to find their  MAP of the whole universe and find out where the heck I am!  I asked the Boy-o's but they said they can hardly find their way around the Space Station let alone the outer STRATOSPHERE.  They do have the aforementioned  great Map, though, but they just have to FIND it!
Hmmmmmm....where can it be???  I really need to get back home - I have tickets for the big FIREWORKS show tonight and you KNOW how I LOVE fireworks!!!!!  I have a front row seat at the  Scooter and Scotch Club and they cost me plenty of $$$$$$$$$$$$$.

Whew!

You know how in all those old Republic serials, the hero is trapped in a seemingly hopeless situation and then when the next episode begins, he just pops up free and clear and you never know how he got out and all. Like when Flash Gordon is trapped in a bread slicer (depicted in the side panel) and then suddenly he flies away with the Hawk Men (not depicted anywhere on this blog).

Well, I am not going to resort to any such obvious subterfuge in these pages. Suffice it to say that the creature who had attached to my person was a worm (already depicted in a previous entry). He was in fact the inhabitant and sole proprietor of the wormhole that had brought me to this sorry pass. I whirled and spun with all my might and jumped with all the furry power of my wonderful and celebrated hindquarters and lo, I was free and falling through the vortex to land safely in the Cave of Dreams.

That was a close call. It turns out the little hut we were all in was a yurt and the local terminus of that very same wormhole. I yawned and stretched among the pillows and comforters in the Cave of Dreams. I heard a gentle tapping on the windowpane.

The source of that tapping must await another installment of my tale.

Anyone have a match???

Just as I was finally able to relieve myself in good old Emperor Ming's Palace - one of his preatorian guards yells out  "Hey - this hairy old dog (!!) has COOTIES!!!

WTF???  Sure enough, I looked down and this hoary dude had ATTACHED himself to my NETHER REGiONS and those teeth look powerful SHARP!    HELP!!!!!!!

Whoa daddy!! That was a close one!!

Just as I was

Just as I was in the middle of soaring UP, UP and AWAAAY - what do I see headed my way but this retro hunk o' junk!! 

I had to do a fast DIP and scramble my BUTT back to the mean ole Space Station FAST.  I commenced to KICKING the front door again - STILL NO FRIGGING ANSWER!!  

In a moment of sheer inspiration I dove like hell UNDER the doormat which said "GO AWAY!"  (very funny!)_

WOW!!

Then someone began PULLING MY TAIL and it REALLY hurt!(grrrrrr........) and before I knew what happened  I was YANKED into this WEIRD  PLACE!!

A beautiful ZULU HUT!!  

Turns out it was FULL of astronauts but they squeezed over and  made room for PIP!.  

Seems they have been having a TERRIBLE problem with nasty space junk clunking around out there these days and when they get toooooo close - the boys nip into the hut for a few hours or days.  

What is it like INSIDE??  You wouldn't believe it dear bloggee!!  You wouldn't believe it!! -  

But, just in case you MIGHT believe it - take a peek below and  see if you do, you know, believe it....

.............told ya!!