Yow (!) We better get it together "OR ELSE!!"

"She" is going back to work and boy did she lay down the law to me and "him" this morning!

"NO laying around in bed all day!"

"No sleeping til noon!"

"No leaving dirty dishes in the sink all day waiting for me to come home (!!!)"

"Get up at a DECENT HOUR and do YOUR CHORES!"

"Clean the kitchen after EVERY MEAL (!) and I better not see one SPECK OF DIRT - and I know WHERE to look, too!!"

"I'm going to leave a list of things that need to be done on the fridge - consult in at LEAST twice a day!" I'll KNOW if you looked!!"

After that tirade (!!) we said we would "be good" (we were SCARED) HAHHAHHAHHAHHA

That's what SHE THINKS.......

We can't WAIT to get rid of her as we are going to have FUN, FUN, FUN - go for long bike rides and walks and loll on the deck and snooze and listen to the Cubs and take naps and surf the net and do our blogs and ......uh oh, I'd better watch out......"she" reads this blog!!!

BYE NOW!!!

Dodged a Bullet There.....whew!

Rainy day. Whew! Lucky me, too wet to go to play date.

YES!

Although they are talking about next week or next month, and they want to see my vaccination records.

Huh! Fat chance there. I want to see all their papers, passports. Lets run a check on them. They want to kill me.

Hah! Guess again, creepos!!!

She wants me to go to "Puppy Playtime" tomorrow....

But I don' wanna go!

DON' MAKE ME GO!!! BwwwwwAAAAAA!!

I'm going to HOLD MY BREATH if they take me!

If they think I'm going to "play" with a bunch of kibble breathed fleabags they have ANOTHER thing coming!

I'll RUN AWAY! ......Oh, wait, I did that once before (see archives) and it was yucky. Hmmmmmm.....I'll have to come up with something NEW......

This is "Peony", Ernie's gal pal.

She's a HOTTIE!!!

Uh.....let's just say that.......

I don't think we'll be practicing snorkling in the bathroom anytime in the near future!

Ernie is a champion snorkler.

He is going to teach me how in the bathtub today.

Wish me luck!

Meet Ernie, my new pal.

He's a cool guy.

I ran into him last night at the Mini Mart

As "Bob" is recouperating at the Snail Hts.Nursing Home and getting some MUCH needed rehab, Ernie and I are going to start "hanging" together for a few weeks.

Stay tuned for more adventures of "Pip & Ernie."

HE'S BACK, BABY

YES!!! What can I say?

Here’s the story in brief. We followed “Rabbit’s” plan with one exception. Bear was able to persuade the good doctor to allow us to avoid the costly and dangerous trip to Yellowstone and to drop him instead into Buckingham Fountain.

It worked. Once I saw him falling from the sky, I sprinted to the side of the fountain, and, with a perfectly timed leap, chomped the dear sponge and carried him off to safety.

YIKES! It was touch and go for a while there. We whisked the kid back home and at Dr. Frogg’s and Dr. M&M’s insistence, subjected him once more to the bubble test.

“All clear,” announced “Rabbit.”

My hear skipped a beat. What a relief.

Bob remembers little of his ordeal. He keeps talking about tunnels and his mission to rule the sphere. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!!! He’s on a pain pump and whenever he gets too rambunctious, we give him a hit.

He is going to take a long rest, starting tonight. And lets get something straight right now. Bob is MY toy. This is MY blog. If anyone is going to rule the sphere, it’s ME!!!!!

Spongebobby: The Treatment

So here’s the deal, the solution, as in what we have to do to cure the Sponge, according to that quack “Rabbit”. The chip cannot be removed surgically.

Rather we must transport Bob via tricycle across the highlands of Snail Heights to the Heliport. Then I must fly him in a helicopter to the airport, where he will embark in a bi-plane flown by Hummingbird. All this is to subject Bob to the maximum amount of reverberation.

“In my experience,” “Rabbit” pronounced, “these matters can only be rectified by a good shaking up and by dropping the patient from a great height into a very low valley or atop a geyser or volcano that is in the process of eruption.”

Huh? I’m sitting there barely able to contain myself. This is modern medicine??!! Of course, all these other mopes are busy taking notes, writing everything down as if they were listening to the Delphic Oracle.

And, geez, this is going to cost us another 5,000 carrots, none of which is covered by Spongecare.

I have a recipe, a very good one, for rabbit stew.

Oh, and here’s another kicker. He has to be caught on the fly by his totemic animal familiar (ME!!!) and subjected to a violent chomp. This action will dislodge the foreign body completely.

Duh!

My, they make a nice couple.....

"What are you doing tomorrow night?"

Uh oh, here we go again....

Who's running things today???

I think we know who!!

Sheesh - he's ALREADY picking up bad habits!

Chasing his poor ole "dad" down the hall. Looks like he needs a few more weeks at the animal behaviorists'.

I ask you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury.....

Is there REALLY any doubt as to WHOM is "cuter?""


PULEEZE - come to your senses!!! Don't be taken in by flowery goo-gaws and a "lost puppy" demeanor.

This dude is P A T H E T I C !!!

Spongebobby: The Diagnosis?

You thought I had forgotten about the beloved Sponge, but I did not. All the while, even with the distractions of the news from Snail Heights, the whole eight-ball affair, thoughts of this beloved all-purpose pal and his tragic plight have never been far from my mind.

Last week, Dr. Monkey T. Frogg and Dr. M&M (aka Frog Boy) contacted “him”. They wanted permission to conduct further tests and to consult with another colleague, known simply as “Rabbit”. “He” immediately consented. I, on the other hand, protested vehemently. I tried frantically to grab Bob to hide him under anything at hand like the blue sham, but, as usual, to no avail.

I believe I have mentioned before how big “they” are and how “they” control the means of production and consumption, yadda, yadda, yadda. So “they” had their way, and now, in a way, I am rather glad of it.

It turns out that “Rabbit” has devised a complex analytic diagnostic technique. The patient must be submerged in a bath of warm, soapy water. “Rabbit” reads the pattern of bubbles to determine the disease and its causation.

In the case of the one true Spongebobby, he has determined that there is an obstruction in his pie hole.

“A pit?” said Dr. Frogg.

“A stone, a piece of gravel?” queried M&M.

“Neither,” opined “Rabbit.” “It is a very tiny microchip. Judging by the pattern of bubbles, the chip is broadcasting encoded data to a receiver embedded in the tunnels beneath Snail Heights. It is diabolical. It is sinister. That will be 2,000 carrots please.”

“What?”

“Two thousand carrots. That was the agreed price. Up front.”

“Do you take Spongecare?”

“No, but I will arrange to bill them if you like. It’s a good plan. You’ll be generously reimbursed.”

“What are we going to do with 2,000 carrots?”

“Where are we going to get 2,000 carrots? Farmer’s Market doesn’t start for another month.”

“That’s your problem,” said Rabbit.

“Don’t worry”, said Dr. M&M, “I have an excellent recipe for carrot soup.”

“In that case, I am prepared to offer a special discount. I will credit your deductible towards a share in the soup. I’m inordinately fond of carrot soup provided your recipe does not call for ginger. I am allergic to ginger.”

WTF! WTF!! What is going on here? AAARGH!!! I mean, my sponge is plugged up with a microchip undoubtedly inserted by the evil fiends who live in the tunnel under Snail Heights. He’s broadcasting gibberish to half the universe and these guys are trading recipes for CARROT SOUP!!!!!!

To be continued…

TOWN TATTLER

Love Hurts

After viewing this video, investigators in the famed Snail Heights Bigfoot drowning case that was broken in these columns some time ago have reopened inquiries. Numerous witnesses have testified that Bigfoot and Mayor Spinaltzo were seen engaged in puzzling and intimate public behavior on several nights leading up to the grisly discovery of Bigfoot’s corpse some months ago.

Could this video provide the missing clue? And what about these mysterious “love darts”? Snail Heights residents are sorely perplexed by the latest shocking developments. The Mayor has been seen at various times in a state of evident depression lurking in the highlands above the village.

Attempts by the authorities to raise him from his torpor have proved unsuccessful. A spokesperson for the Mayor, known only has Pip, told the press, on deep background, that Spinaltzo was in “hibernation” and could not be roused to comment on the affair.

Dear "worried and tired..."

You have raised profound and troubling issues in your recent plea for advice for I, too, have been subject to the same conundrum, so that I recognize in you a true kinship of soul. The "eight-ball," who has no moral sense whatsoever, says "YES" and "NO." Yes, you can get in big trouble. No, you should never bite them.

Look, kid, they are very BIG and they control the means of production, as well as the means of consumption. And, think about it, even if we controlled these things, what would we do with them? You see my point.

However, there is a subtle way out of your dilemma, which, I may proudly state, satisfies all concerned. It is called "CUTE."- You can never be too cute. Remember that. The other thing to remember is to make it all a *GAME.*


For example, I have devised a wonderful CUTE GAME that I play with "her" and sometimes even with "him". Whenever, they get a little too close to the One True Sponge, especially if "she" is wearing her "magic pink slippers" that I would love to rip to SHREDS from the inside out. I love to jump up, do one or two somersaults/spins, leap over "Bear" if he is in the way, and pounce upon the offending FOOT, giving it the most imperceptible peck or jab. HAHAHHAHAHHA!
They invariably erupt in squeals of laughter, blah, blah, blah. I repeat the process as necessary, each time subtly adjusting, upward or downward as their actions require, the amount of jaw pressure or the force of the slap administered.

With a little practice, YOU, too, can achieve the same results!!
Start off slowly. But always remember, "CUTE!" They cannot get enough of cute and adorable.. CUTE, CUTE, CUTE!!! Got it. And never draw blood. That, says the "eight-ball," is a huge "NO!!".

Pip

P.S. Always have an exit strategy if you feel you went TOO FAR! I personally like to roll over and look adorable -it always works!!

Good luck!

Yow -one last querie!

Most illustrious Pip of Pip's Ear, master of the inner eight-ball, you are my hero.

I have one question. When is it OK to bite guests that my human companions invite over? They feed me cheese and treats, but, after a while, it is enough already and you want to take a nap or something and then they get up to go to the bathroom and you just feel an incredible urge to bark at them and bite their ankles.

Can you get in trouble for this?

Worried and Tired

Ok.....I'll BITE (!)..........Whoever "Bob" is .....

"How can he or she be CURED????"

There! Its over - now will you get on with this STUPID idea and move this BLOG ALONG??

"Disgusted"

Awright! Ok! Enuff with the "funny" questions!!

This is SERIOUS BUSINESS! I'm going to get RID of the whole "8 ball" stuff if you won't act RIGHT!

No MORE stupid questions.

As you know I can't ask MYSELF a question so will somebody please please PLEASE ask me how to cure Sponge Bob so I can stop this whole moronic THREAD!

I'm sick of it, already, and Bob is looking punier every day!

"And a one and a two and a......"

Oh mystery Pip Ball.....


"What lies beyond the grave?"

signed,

Larry

Answer to the wino:

The answer to your lottery question is:

08, 8, 88, 888, 8888, 888888, 8888888.

Now go away!!