Welcome back HOME, "Jetsetter Jetty!"

Dear Jetty,

I'm the president of your northside fan club and 'am so GLAD that you are back home.

I know you are a born GYPSY and love to travel to all parts of here and there but your heart is on the lane with Robins, am I right?

How did you like your Taj Mahal fort - is it to your liking? I don't miss it too much. 'Hear your mom put new batteries in the wooly lamb and now she is warbling away to her heart's content. "They" couldn't quite figger that one out (??)

Glad to hear your "lady parts" are well, better....do you miss the big 3 part tree very much? It was beautiful and I hear it was a major player in family photography over the years, ...sniff....

Maybe "DD/" will give you a teeny tiny tree of your own!

Your loyal north side pal, "Pip"

Dear Mr. Curious

I believe I have noted the aesthetic differences between land-based and sea-based creatures in an earlier entry. Please study this at your leisure.

We note a curious malformation or growth in your upper cranial area. I believe this may be successfully treated by a competent neurosurgeon. Fortunately, one of my retainers has a certain expertise in such matters. His name is Dr. Pretorius. I have appended his photograph on the right. He will be in touch with you shortly. As usual, please place the uttermost confidence in his judgment, as if you were dealing directly with me.

Yours in good health,

Master Pip

Are you like some kind of monster or something?

"Pip," if that is your photo in the upper rt hand corner - right over there..............

No offense intended but I've heard about this "Frankenstein" guy and they say he was real bad looking and, well, you get my drift....

My question is how did you get to look like that?
(shudder....) I hope I don't wake up someday and look in the mirror and see all that growth all over me and those huge FLOPPY things coming out of the side of my head. And what is that little black button in the middle of your "face" is that your "on" and "off" button ....UGH!!

Signed,

Just curious.....

Dear Yodii of Narlo

My agents have been able to locate your light sabre. It may be found under the fourth lily pad in the third row from the left in the swamp pictured at the left.

Some day, and that day may never come, I or a trusted retainer may call upon you for a favor. Until then, all the best.

Master Pip

Cher M. Dorable

We were not amused. Please contact us off-line for a nail shop recommendation.

Seen my light saber, have you?

Looking for it everywhere I have been.

Fighting the enemy I cannot do.

Help I need!

signed,

Yodii (of the planet Narlo)

Monsieur Peep!

Ah know that you are TRES tired but when you wake up would you pleeeease tell me what you think of my new polka dot manicure, monsieur Peep?

Is it tres bien or muy mal?

Merci beaucoup!

"Fifi la Dorable"

dear folks,

i've been so tired lately - "they" started this crazy new thing on the ole blog and its got me all pooped out!

granted i'm only 2+ but i'm so worn out that i can't even press the capital letter key.

i may be brilliant but there is only so much advice i can provide. jeez you folks are needy! (i'm worn out just doing that exclamation mark....

no more advice for at least 2 days. that's it and that's all.

Whoa there!

Whoa! I mean there are a lot of questions out there for Master Pip, but, to be honest, we are a bit overwhelmed by the response to our new format.

Here goes.

To the rather odd assortment of ghouls and zombies from What's My Line, the answers are, from left to right "Yes", "No", "I don't have to answer that, but No", and "No, but I have a not insignificant collection of hand puppets in my toy boxes and in the Well of Toys."

To the female singing collective Danke Dank:

We are pleased to receive your unerringly correct and complementary missive regarding our magnificent fur. In truth, we have had little to do consciously with its magnificence, which is undoubtedly the result of our superior genetic makeup, being the most wonderful and perfect of all species, the Maltillon.

When we encounter some of the hazards you enumerate, we often simply shake or rub or itch and everything returns to normal. On occasion, we are forced to permit "him" to brush or comb out recalcitrant twigs and brambles and such. We visit our groomer on a monthly basis.

Frankly, we were astonished to read of your extraordinary misadventures with respect to hair, especially as this substance seems only present in abundance on the very tops of your heads. One might be tempted to suppose that you spent the majority of your time rolling in haystacks, an occupation which we have found to be quite hazardous and which, as a consequence, we eschew.

We can, by the way, recommend an excellent groomer.

To Narl and Mrs. Narl:

We were merely trying to be helpful. We have encountered Mrs Narl (aka SP) on this blog before with less than pleasant recollections. To her we say "You must go now."

We have sent a trusted emissary, pictured at the beginning of this blog entry, to expedite this process. Trust him, as usual, as you would trust me.

Master Pip

Good evening, "Pip"!

Mister Pipp, you've been invited here this evening to participate in our quiz program "What's My Line?"

First question, Miss Kilgallon!

"Mr. Pipp, are you bigger than a breadbox?"

Mr. Allen: "May I see the label in your coat?"

Miss Francis: "Are you now or have you ever been a Communist?"



and finally, Mr. Cerf - your question?

"Certainly!" "Mr X, have you ever appeared on the "Ed Sullivan Show" as a hand puppet named Senior Wences?"

Oh, Mr. Pip, we have an important "personal" question...

Oh, dear Mr Pippi,

We have long been ADMIRERS of yourself and 'were wondering if you could CONFIDENTIALLY share a personal grooming secret with us??

We are a group of charming girls but we have one problem - our HAIR!!

It is just SO BAD, it won't curl where we want it to, it lays down flat on our heads, it is both greasy AND dried out.

We are at our WITS END and your flowing locks are sooooooo beautiful and well, are just so WELL BEHAVED. For example your PART - it is perfectly EVEN and the hairs stay on either side of it - just as they should!

Oh, what is your SECRET, MISTER PIPPIKINS???? Is it the shampoo, the conditioner, the hair spray, gel, mist, DIPPITY DOO????

While we're at it - you know just chatting like a BUNCH of girls do......is it true that you often get things STUCK in your hair/fur?

We have this problem, too...leaves, twigs, paper towels, donuts, cassette tapes, Rules of the Road, OEM dictionaries, harvest mice, apples, french fries, - you know - typical stuff. What technique do you use to PLUCK them out??

Danke dank!!

Er....my mom says "ferget it, buster!" Narl

Dear Narl

We are somewhat puzzled and troubled by your recent query. You must improve your grammar, spelling, and syntax in order to get the sort of attention you crave.

We do not know anyone named Nelp. If we did, we are not certain that we would advise him/her to comply with your request.

I have taken the liberty of sending a trusted retainer, Mr. W. ER. E. Wolf, who possesses our complete confidence. Trust him as you would trust me. Do not resist his entreaties. He has your best interests at heart.

His picture is appended above, so that you will be in no doubt as to his identity.

Master Pip

NELP!! I am send to your planet to gett you!

Place your clothes on your body! Walk (or crawl) to your hatch door!

I am wait for you! Hurry!

My planet, NELLO, required your brain and question responses!

We having many many problems!

Come! NOW! I am waiting by your hatch cover!

NELP!

signed, "Narl"

So a nun, a rabbi and a priest go into a bar.....

The bartender looks up and says......

(this is a good one, bloggee!)



"What is this a JOKE?"


(hahahhahhahahahaha)

Dear Harriett

There is no need to worry. Remember what Julia Child said in that movie. No one needs to know what goes on in the kitchen except the cook. Nor should they.

Also, there is an old adage. When it rains, make lemonade. Or something like that.

In any case, the solution to your problem is simple. First of all, there is nothing at all wrong with eating things that have fallen to the floor. I am almost three years old and I have flourished on a diet that includes copious amounts of food that has fallen on the floor, including quite yucky things, I might add.

But I digress. Simply scoop up the remains of the chocolate cake. Place them in individual plates. Tell your guests that you are serving a "deconstructed" version of chocolate cake called chocolate crumble.

Voila! Problem solved.

Bon appetit!

N.B. In the future, please substitute carob for chocolate so that the droppings may be safely shared with your dog.

NEXT QUESTION PLEASE!

Dear Chef Pip,

Here is a photo of me, Mrs. Harry Henhouse III, about to serve my moist and delicious choco-lot three layer cake.

My problem is, however, that my happy enthusiasm carried me away and in the very next photo - my delicious cake went OOOOPSIE!!! right on the floor!!

My guests are coming in less than an hour - do you have any "quickee" suggestions for dessert? Please, Chef Pip, I need your help!!!

Yours truly,

Harriet Henhouse

So Many Questions

so little time...

To Senior Atisbadores:

Nice sombrero, kiddo. We prefer lime.

To Queen Miranda:

Lighten up, kitty kat. Look on the bright side. Vengeance is not he answer, especially as we have forgotten the question. Jump right up, shake yourself off, start all over again. If necessary, I can recommend an excellent groomer.

To Denizen of the Deep:

Beauty is often in the eye of the beholder. In the deep, you may be considered quite a handsome fellow. On land, however, we believe there is no creature cuter or more beautiful than the Maltillon, and among that species, we count ourselves the most beautiful of all. So lets agree to disagree. Also, it would be advisable for you to remain in the deep, while I choose, of course, to remain upon dry land. It might also be advisable for you to look over one of your many shoulders, as it would appear you are about to be eaten by a fellow denizen.

To Princess in Purple:

Bring it on, girl!

Keep those cards and letters coming.

Master Pip

Yikes -we're going international!!

Sr. Pip,

¿Cuál es mejor, el limón o la cal?
Gracias

Sr. Atisbadores

See below...........CONFIDENTIAL!!

Dr Pip:

A certain person or ENTITY has soaked me with some WET substance.....I think it may be champagne but then it may well be Toilet Water.

What can I do to rid my precious fur of the nasty stuff and, more importantly, what would be the best method for REVENGE for this outrage?

Your response is URGENTLY anticipated!!

Her Royal Highness,,,

Queen Miranda of Sedan de Ville

Yo! Hey, Master of the Universe!

Like I said, YO!

Some people say I'm not so good looking - YO! Are they nutz or am I a fug ugly?

Just study my kisser - WOW! I think I got it all!

You be the judge, oh little hairy monster o' the universe - am I beautiful or WHAT???

denizen o' the deep

Regulation Bed Croquet Balls

Pictured above with certified regulation dog croquet championship calibre player (aka Pip).

Ever hear of the latest "hot" game - bed croquet??

Have you heard of the latest game that everyone is *buzzing* about?
No????? Bloggee, where do YOU hang out - Mayberry???

What is it you demand to know???

Well, instructions to follow - stay tuned but if you want to prepare to have your OWN fun bed croquet match you will need to get the following supplies:

1 big bed (with or without twigs)
1 dog
2 balls
1 big silk pillow
1 chalkboard to keep score
1 box of chalk
1 board eraser
1 croquet clock

Hey......big boy.......

Oh, Great and ....CUTE MASTER.

Little ole me has a question for y'all,....

Got any suggestions for a lonely gal who has a LOT of time on her paws and 'would just LOVE to meet a big, strapping dude for a little, .....innocent....and fun game playing time???

anxiously waiting to hear from you!!

Princess in purple....

The Pip is In

I'm back, baby. The Doctor is in, as in Dr. 8-Ball, Dr. M&M, etc. Free advice to all and sundry, although donations in specie or in kind are appreciated and generally met with an affectionate response.

The first question is from a canine follower in Australia.

Dear Master Pip,

Recently while walking along the beach before a dust storm, I encountered one of those weird starfish monster things pictured in one of your recent blogs. I ran away. What should I have done?

A Canine Follower from Down Under

P.S. Keep posting pictures of weird things we might encounter and the appropriate responses.

Dear Canine Follower,

You were quite correct to run. If you see anything weird like that RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN!

Master Pip

P.S. Stay inside during the dust storms.

NEXT QUESTION!!!

Yikes! I sure hope I don't have a dream about....

this weird looking dude. I saw his picture today on the internet and now I can't get his PUSS out of my mind. Ugh!!!

Just two weeks + and Egg Harbor here we come...

We love Egg Harbor but one of the best memories ever took place up in Rowley's Bay in late October many years ago. It was a Saturday night, cold and windy outside, and we could hear the water splashing up on the breakfront . Spooky!

We were staying on a deserted part of the bay - an inlet - in a vacation rental house. It was a big, old timey red farmhouse type house. We used to read and play badminton during the day, and drink screwdrivers at night by the fire. Good times!

On this particular night we cooked up a recipe for "Captain's Meatloaf" that we got from the Sun Times. It was the most incredible meal EVER from back in our carnivore days.
Get a load of this - just as you take it out of the oven -you drizzled worcestershire sauce all over it....WOW!
Its funny as you get older, sometimes its the great

meals that you remember the most vividly .

Photos to follow.....

Oooops! Someone is a little JEALOUS of all the attention

"Jetty Jetstream" has been getting and is trying to tell us:

"I'm number ONE!"

Yowza~~~ If you say so!

Yow - the "Jettster" needs a watch!

Poor little dudess can't tell if its day or night and is keeping the whole house awake when they need their sleep!

We need to get the FORT out to her ASAP along with a CLOCK!

Basic advice for quick and easy rehabilitation:

1.) Don't let them know you are feeling a LOT better so they keep babying you.

B.) Don't gobble your food down like its your last meal but, instead, just sniff at it and sigh. Wait til they walk away and THEN scarf it down.

4.) As far as taking a pill....that's when the FUN begins.

Play dumb (like a fox) "Wazzz that?" Then when they try to open your little pie hole either snap your teeth together with great speed or let them shove the damn thing down your throat and then pretend you are choking to death and they jammed it down your windpipe!

hhhahahahhahaha. Watch them go nuts with that one! Make them feel really guilty (look wounded and hurt!!) so they go and give you a nice warm bowl of milk to soothe your throat.
Before you start to slurp the milk - spit the pill out that you have been hiding in your cheek - spit it way under the fridge. They NEVER clean under there!

V.) Repeat until you are bored.

Hooray, hooray! Jetty is doing good (burp!!)

We (Bob and I) were sooooo happy to hear that our cute little gal pal is beginning to do the "p & p" thing and 'will soon be on the road to recovery!

Bottoms up, Jetty girl!!

My buddy, Jetty, had an operation yesterday.

Lets say a prayer for her that she is her old, jumping, friendly self ASAP.

I'm going to give her one of my "hotels" so she has a place to crawl in for some private time.

GET WELL, JETTY! WE LOVE YOU!

(That's her mom, Susie, RN.)

Before and after grooming......in case you cared.....

OK- you've seen enough - now go away - I'm not in the mood to be viewed excessively today.
Come back tomorrow...

"Eau de doggee....."

HEY!

I may be WRONG but I thought I heard SOMEBODY make a COMMENT - when they were petting my munificent triple furry coat - that I "smelled like a little doggy" - WTF???

Are you KIDDING ME????????

While I ADMIT that my GROOMER has been on vacation for a rather LONG TIME.....6 weeks! I think I smell like a little ADORABLE 2 and 10 month old MALTILLION!~

And that is very NORMAL, isn't it??

Woke up, got out of bed

Found a Wolfman cane beside my head...

Whoa, that 's not it. I mean, it's not possible, is it?

Went downstairs and had some liver. Wow, that tasted good, but when I came back, the thing was still there.

Was there more to that "dream" than meets the eye?

No way. This must be buried. Then it's NAP TIME..

SSSSHHHH.......the bad dream of witches, cauldrons,

werewolves is ALL over....sssshhhh..bloggee!

We don't want to wake him up!

Didn't YOU ever have a SCARY dream filled with angst? You know - the type where you FORGOT to go to class or to BUY the books - and then when you remembered the bookstore was closed or sold out?
Remember that kind of dream?

Well, that's the kind of dream the "lil dude" had - ssshhhhhhh.....no more woods, running away, full moons, missing ears, falling off cliffs, .........sleeep little Pip.....and when you wake up in the morning it will ALL be over..........except for "you know who" - who is still lurking around outside....but that will be another story for a later day, bloggee dearest....

And his prayer was heard by a kindly wizard....

I hear you, little big eared DUDE....

Let your deepest wish come TRUE!!

I wish this for YOU!!!

"Twinkie, twinkie little star.....

bring me home from a far...."

(As the cauldron boils, the witch toils, the eye of newt blinks, Pips heart sinks, the shrew drinks, the black crow blinks (!) - this place STINKS!)

"Wish I may wish I might get the WISH I WISH TONIGHT!!!"

Uh oh.....I was afraid of this.....tonight - full moon!!!

Werewolves

Many of you are probably wondering what is going on at the witches' cauldron and other places and frankly so am I. The truth is we have been laying low.

Here's what happened. This whole mess was caused by Platypus, shown at the left in his last known photograph in consultation with Little Bear. This dummy fell asleep one day and didn't take his medicine even though he knew he should have. He wandered off in a semi-conscious state and Little Bear and I went after him and then we seem to have been bewitched and anyway, it's all a big mess. And it is all his fault. Platypus, that is.

You will recall that when last we visited this nightmare scenario, the witches were trying to conjure up some demon or other by using the severed ear of one of my small Easter Bunny toys, pretending it was my ear, which it was not and never was. These witches, though, were not very competent, I'm afraid, and instead of conjuring up whatever it was they wanted, they produced this beast instead.

That's right, a F---ING WEREWOLF!!!

The beast killed them or else chased them all away, but now he is after us.

I mean, we have pretty sharp teeth and we are pretty brave, but we are not going anywhere near that thing, who turns out, based on information obtained from reliable sources without the use of extraordinary interrogation techniques, to be some sort of demented avatar of Platypus, the little cursed RAT!

Anyway, you can see why we are a little bit RATTLED!!!!! And it is a full moon tonight!!!

GEEZ! Can't a poor designer dog who never hurt anybody catch a break???

We must be very careful now, at least until the full moon wanes. More later...