Multiple birth shocker at Snail Hts Memorial Pavillion!

TOWN TATTLER, January 31, 2009
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"Hospital officials reported this morning that a LARGE multiple birth scenario occurred in the middle of the night - much to the SHOCK of malocollogy personnel!"

It seems that the new mom checked in around 10 PM last night claiming to have mobility problems. As she was being examined, the doctor turned his back for a moment and just THEN, 145 tiny baby snails popped up and were grinning at him when he turned around. Staggered by the sight of those smiling little faces, both the dr. and the nurse fainted dead away.

The unidentified mom is doing well as is her teeny tiny brood.

More later!........

(What is going ON at this place??? First "Bigfoot" has NASTY problems here and NOW this FREAK occurance (WHO is going to "foot the bill??)! The TOWN TATTLER vows to get to the bottom of this, mark my words!"

Ssshhhhh...."the patient is resting comfortably....."

Town Tattler, January 30, 2009
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"Bigfoot," beloved resident of the Snailarium Biosphere Project, suffered potential damage to his HARD SHELL yesterday when a KNOWN home INVADER broke into the Project Center and threw him to the floor where he stuck his shell on a BIG ROCK!

Staff, hearing his calls of distress, rushed him to the IMPERIAL Snail Hts. Extended Care Pavillion, a facility of dubious reputation to say the LEAST!

Due to the extreme CHEAPNESS of the Pavillion administrators, poor "Bigfoot" was not able to have a phone by his bed so his many visitors had to slime over there in person!

Upon arrival, imagine their SHOCK and DISGUST when they were verbally attacked by a VIOLENT INTAKE person who treated them in a very RUDE way, hollering commands and hurling insults at them!

After they were able to get past the VILE creature they went searching for the HEAD NURSE to complain but DRIVEN BACK by a TERRIBLE STENCH, they fled and were, therefore, unable to check on poor "Bigfoot's" condition!

They went straight away to the Snail Hts Public Safety Office (SHPSO)and filed a complete report on this shocking facility which has NO PLACE in the Biosphere.

They are, now, working on getting "Bigfoot" transferred to an acceptable Pavillion and hope to be able to do so by the end of the day!

Let's hope the old boy is feeling better and will be up and running around by tomorrow. In the meantime the SBP (Special Biosphere Police) is busy working day and night on the case to ferret out the heinous home invader!"

Well! Looks like ole "Fat(s)" got the Mayor's CHAIR~

TOWN TATTLETALE, January 29, 2009
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"At 7 PM today, "Fat(s) Slim" was sworn as the 2nd Mayor of Snail Hts., Biosphere, only a few hours after our beloved, although somewhat tarnished, former mayor, Maurice Spinaltzzzo."

Alas!

These guys don't waste any time!

TOWN TATTLER, JANUARY 29, 2 PM
........................................................................................................................

"Gramps Slim," uncle of "Fats Slim" was seen out on a highway this afternoon already pulling up road signs to be replaced with new ones stating "Fats Slim" Mayor of Snail Heights!"

(I think its a tad "pushy," don't you??"

"Fats Slim" stops for a nosh on his way to the capital.

TOWN TATTLER, January 29, 2009
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"Taking advantage of a brief warm spell, "Fats," vice mayor of Snail Hts. took a few minutes off from his hectic trip to the capital to grab a snack and buy a new "dew rag."

Allies sent "Fats" a text message telling him that he'd better HURRY as the impeachment hearings are underway and if he wants to claim the CHAIR of disgraced Mayor Maurice Spinaltzzzo he better get back in his car and DRIVE!!."

"Fat Slim," Mayor's next in command to take over!

TOWN TATTY, January 29, 2009.
....................................................................................................................

"Big Fat" Slim wings his way to Snail City so he will be "in place" when Mayor Spinaltzzzo is booted out of office.

As most Biosphere residents know, "Fat" has LONG been hankering for the Mayoral spot and has been plotting and planning behind the scenes for TWO DECADES to plant his butt butt in the mayoral seat."

BULLETIN: Mayor Spinaltzzzo to address the Senate!

TOWN TATTLER, January 28, 3 PM
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"Mayor Maurice Spinaltzzzo has just made a request to the Snail Hts Senate that he be permitted to address them tomorrow in order to offer his defense against the charges of "Extreme Embezzlement'"

A riot immediately broke out within the Senate Chambers when word spread regarding the request.

YIKES! Do you think they will ALLOW the Mayor to appear and "plead his case"? It should be a WILD SCENE!

The Mayor's Executive Jet back in Snail Hts!

TOWN TATTLER, January 28, 2009.
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"Finally able to connect up with his LUXURY EXECUTIVE JET, Mayor Spinaltzzzo managed to arrive in NYC yesterday just in time to make all of his his many TV appearances.

Appearing exhausted, he and his entourage of one sleeping Maltillion, flew back home last night where they quickly deplaned and 'were picked up by a huge stretch limo.



Unfortunately (!!) a large crowd of onlookers, various snoopy neighbors, reporters and such were waiting for him and spoiled the Mayor's homecoming. The throng waited all day in front of the Mayor's Mansion and when his limo pulled into the Executive Driveway, it was pelted with and eggs and rotten fruit. The crowd began to chant "RESIGN! RESIGN" and to hurl invective at both the Mayor and "Pip", his loyal though somewhat self-absorbed spokes representative.


A few minutes later someone slipped the above sign on the Mansion's front door. Upon reading it the crowd quickly dissembled, pushing and shoving one another as they fled into the night."



What next? This is really getting ugly! Be sure to tune in tomorrow and see where all this craziness is leading!

Yikes! Mayor Spinaltzzzo rushing to NY !

TOWN TATTLER, January 26, 2009.

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Biosphere Project, Snail Heights, Snail City BULLETIN!

"Mayor Maurice Spinaltzzzo is on his way to New York city today - going as fast as his snaily slime can get him there.

Scheduled for a 9 PM (CST) Larry King Show tonight wherein he HOPES to be able to make his case to the NATION and explain why his so-called "impeachment/kangaroo court" going on this afternoon in the Snail Hts Legislature is a SHAM and he is NOT GUILTY of the embezzlement charges involving the contracts for the MEGA bucks super luxe gated community, "Heaven's Glen" (scheduled for occupancy this summer!! )

So far he has only gotten as far as Irving Park Rd so he has a LONG way to go!

He was going to bring "Mrs. S" along with him to jack up the sympathy quotient but she said "BLEEP YOU!!!" to his request so I guess we won't be seeing "her nibs" tonight.

"Go get'em Mayor, you can DO IT - YES YOU CAN!" yelled out the tiny, white, super furry Maltillion who stationed himself standing along the route, acting as the Mayor's body guard (!!) and motivational speaker.

Just one more month, bloggees! The end is in sight!

Yay! We love beseboll - its belly, belly good!









http://chicago.cubs.mlb.com/spring_training/index.jsp?c_id=chc

Oooooooh - secret note revealed!

TOWN "TAT" January 24, 2009.
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"Special bulletin news! The "Divine Messenger" has reported the contents of the note that "Big Doody" left behind for him tucked away in a hidden compartment in the Celestial Circle cubicle.

Acquiescing to the demands of his followers, the "DM" wafted down from on high this morning and gave the note to his Press Secretary, "Pip" who yipped the special secret note from the previous leader of the Biosphere:


" Who was the SOB that knocked off the last of my Jim Beam? I'll find out if its the LAST thing I do! If it was YOU - I'll GET YOU!"

Yikes! to be continued....

UPDATE: See below....

TOWN TATTLER. JANUARY 23, 2009
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"After the SLIGHT snafu (see below, again!) the Divine Messenger was able to QUICKLY pick himself up, recover his heavenly dignity and continue on to successfully complete the 10 steps up the ladder to his Enthronement Ceremony.

After that, a series of 112 Balls were held all over the Biosphere and couples (and singles!) were seen twirling and twisting the night away til the sun came up over the bowl."

Uh oh!

TOWN TATTLER, January 22, 2009.
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"Officials of "Snail City," the capital of "Snail Heights," announced with regret that the ethereal ceremony involving the Enthronement of the "Divine Messenger" must be RE-DONE!!

Unfortunately, (ANOTHER one of those!!) there was a mishap for the "Messenger" en route to the SWEARING IN ceremony which he STUMBLED on a BANANA PEEL on way to the Divine Throne.
It seems that a tiny MALTILLION, a known banana devotee, had been seen in the area of the ENTHRONEMENT, chomping on a huge YELLOW banana.
Hmmmmmmmm.....we're not sure but things certainly don't look GOOD for said "Maltillion!"
What do you think, bloggee dear????

Mission Accomplished!

"First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win."
-- Mahatma Gandhi

All hail the sponge!

sigh......doesn't he look great???

That's my boy!

"How to stop worrying and clean your bff sponge."

This is the shot that broke the camel's back.
....................................................................................................
When "they" saw this PERFECTLY harmless "still life" they pitched a b*tch and said "THAT'S IT!" - that FILTHY, GERM RIDDEN THING is going to get WASHED or its OTTA HERE, GET IT????????"

Hmmmmmm.....well! I certainly didn't appreciate their TONE - that's for sure but then.....there was something SCARY about it.
I figured that "discretion was the better part of valor" so I opted to agree with them - as long as I could OBSERVE and APPROVE their methods!


Step 1) Dip said sponge into soapy "watees," er,....water.


Step 2.) Closely observe and monitor their methodology.

Step 3.) Worry.



Step 4.) Ye GOD! Not into the OVEN thing????





TO BE CONTINUED!!!!! TUNE IN LATER FOR RESULTS.

Prepare! The "Divine Messenger' is coming.....

TOWN TAT'LER, January 17, 2009

" The "Divine Messenger" and his family of little "semi-divine messengers" have boarded their heavenly balloon and are, slowly and surely, making their way towards Snail City for his enthronement on Tuesday!"
Snails from all over the Biosphere are hastening (!) towards the capital for the exciting ceremony which will be broadcast to all parts of the Project . "Heavenly Glen," the controversial mega bucks, "cradle to cremation" community is planning 'round the clock celebrations and parties.
The culmination will be a "Masked Ball" to be held at midnight (either Monday night or Tuesday morning - take your pick.) You will be able to check out the latest model homes and layouts while sliming the night away to the music of "Frank Snailatra (!)"
(Be there or be square!)

"Tiny dog, "PIP," hero!

TOWN TATTLER, January 16, 2009

"BULLETIN - Word just in to the newsroom - Minute, but powerful 8 lb Maltillion RESCUED an out of control TOBOGGAN yesterday while out for his daily stroll in Snail Point Park!
More below....
"While lifting his dainty leg against a mighty elm tree he thought he heard screaming coming from the area of "Grasshopper Hill," a popular spot in Snail Point for afternoon sledding on cold winter days.
Instantly, he sensed danger and raced over to the "Hill!"
He spotted the speeding tobaggan as it careened down the hill at break neck speed with terrified sledders holding on for dear life, screeching at the top of their lungs "HELP!! SOMEBODY HELP US."
Unfortunately, all the bystanders chose at that moment to look away and tie their shoelaces, fix their gloves, etc.
Without giving (hardly) a SINGLE thought to his own safety he plunged UP the hill - stood IN FRONT of the rampaging sled and stopped it with a single paw held high in the air!
A crowd had gathered to observe the goings on and BURST into a resounding CHEER!
Crying with tears of joy, relieved sledders ran over to Pip and hoisted him on their shoulder and walked all through the park and into the town of Snail Heights chanting PIP PIPI PIP PIPI all the while......
zzzzzzzzzzzzz.............zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.............zzzzzzzzzzzz..............zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Happy Colonoscopy Day to one and all!

SEE - this guy is SMILING! He's have a GOOD TIME...

of course (one small detail)....he isn't GETTING the colonoscopy!

Got "cabin fever?" "Bored?" "Feeling sluggish?"

Get a COLONOSCOPY ...NOW!
The University of Snail Heights Hospital is currently offering for your colon excitement - a "two for one" sale!

Sign up for a colonoscopy NOW and get ANOTHER one for FREE!!


Just think, blogees, for the cost of ONE spectacular "intestinal roto-rooting" you can have a SECOND one - right in the privacy of your OWN yurt or "hidey-hole."

A team of skilled professionals will bring their heavy duty equipment right to YOU and all you have to do is relax and ENJOY!

Call 1-773-ALL-CLEAN today - don't DELAY - the time to "go" sign up is NOW!

"Big Doody" to hold last press conference.

"TOWN TATTLER, JANUARY 11, 2009

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"People flee in disgust as "Big Doody, CEO of Beelzebub, Inc. prepares to give his final press conference to the country."

"JUST GO AWAY ALREADY and LEAVE US ALONE!" a citizen was heard to yell.

Meantime, on a happier note, the crowd seemed to be EAGERLY anticipating the Inauguration of "Divine Messenger" next week and have already begun to plan their activities for the Blessed Day.
.......more later.....

I thank you, "Bob" thanks you, we ALL thank you!!!

Gentle readers, MUCH gratitude and GRATEFULLNESS for your solicitous regards and contributions. We have found "Spongebobby (!!!)"

Hats off to "Momo the Seal" for eyeballing him in the "Cave of Lost Dreams" and a hearty pat on the back to "Cucu, the Squid" for picking the kid up out of the DISGUSTING puddle he was lying in.

Briefly, here's the story.
I gathered about me a small ARMY of some-what willing accomplices - well equipped for ANY eventuality - amphibians, fish, birds, aquatic mammals. (See picture above). We didn't know what we might find down there and we wanted to be PREPARED for ANYthing!
We cleverly climbed down the Deep Tunnel without a peep being heard.....

It didn't take long to get some action!
"Frogboy" and "Monkeyfrog" were in the vanguard, and, right off, they slipped on a sort of SLIME patch and went into free fall!

Fortunately, we were ALL roped together and this broke their fall.

When we scrambled down to HELP them, - all of a sudden - we heard a low, PATHETIC SQUEAK coming from a corner of the passage!!

Sure enough, it was poor "Old Bob", lying in a puddle of slime, looking pretty battered but alive. Oddly, he had a rolled up PAPER of some sort stuck in his pie-hole, the one he uses to squeak and squeal from.

The very MYSTERIOUS MESSAGE.... well, more about THAT later!!

Happy Ending: We quickly carried "Bobby" up the tunnel to safety and HOME at LAST!!!!!!!!!

Right now he is resting comfortably under the bed wrapped in a comforter in his SAFE PLACE.

Lets all be quiet and not disturb his slumbers. Poor kid, he's been through hell, itself!! I, Pip, am trying to comfort him, the best I can but he's had a TERRIBLE SHOCK!
SHUUUSSSSSH!

EARNEST PLEA - VERY EARNEST! (See below)

"Town Tattler" January 8, 2009

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LOST: A SPONGE

"Bob" the sponge was" lost" or that is, not "found" several days ago while spelunking in the "Cave of Lost Dreams." He was mis-placed while he and I, Pip, were trying to locate the missing baby dragon, recently hatched in the Investigation lab of the BSP (Biosphere Special Police.) (FYI, That is the same little pest who was retrieved from the scene of a UFO crash in Montrose Harbor last month!)

As I said, we were in hot pursuit of said baby dragon and this "pursuit" led us down the Deep Tunnel into the spectacular, mega bucks "Cave."

Unfortunately (WHY is there always an "unfortunately" in these endless stories??) we FOUND said "baby dragon" who, apparently, didn't care to be pursued down the "Cave" or ANYWHERE ELSE (!) so he tried to a.) swallow us whole b.)set us on fire with his fiery breath and c.) chase us into the gaping maw of the Hideous Face with the disgusting quivering lips.

As luck would have it, "I, Pip" was able to escape the tiny fiend and flee back UP the Deep Tunnel but poor "Bob" was unable to make the final leap and tumbled back down (!!!!!)

BIG REWARD - really big - for anyone who finds the little dude but the only thing is that you have to go DOWN the "Cave" to get him!

Good luck on that one!" NOTE - REALLY HUGE BIG REWARD!!
thanks for reading.....

Rumor has it.....

that "Big Doody", kingpin of Beelzebub, Inc has begun PACKING HIS BAGS as he plans to leave soon for his mega million bucks retirement cavern in lower Hades.

Linda "Stony" Doody told reporters that she and her husband are looking forward to returning to "Back o' the Flame," their family cave land, and getting back to the business of ruining people's lives and creating despair where ever they go."
(Sounds like "fun" to us!!)

No room in the inn SHOCKER!

TOWN TATTLER: January 7, 2009.
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"Capital residents are dismayed that the "Divine Messenger" and his family are being forced to stay in an old, shuttered church while waiting for his heavenly installment in 13 days.

According to established protocol, He and His family SHOULD be residing in the Archbishop's Mansion before they move permanently into the "Cathedral of All Blessings".
Unfortunately, the Mansion was already "booked" by the current administration, Beelzebub, Inc., for a series of "loser parties." Are we surprised by this display of bad manners?
We think not!"
DON'T GO AWAY MAD - JUST GO AWAY!

14 days, 19 hours and counting.....

Mayor's opponents plan to block door!

Psssssst - we just heard this on the "grapevine" - enemies of Mayor Spinaltzzzo are conspiring to prevent the cardboard cutout of the "King" from entering the High Council Meeting next week!

(WOW - this is getting HOT!)

They've, also, cut off the "King's" access to the "hot button" which will greatly reduce his ability to protect the Biosphere in case of alien attack! Of course, between you and me, his "access" was pretty limited anyway as he is a CARDBOARD CUTOUT!

BULLETIN: Mayor appoints temporary successor!

"TOWN TATTLER" January 2, 2009
........................................................................................................................................................
"Mayor Maurice Spinaltzzzo has (FINALLY) appointed a temporary successor to keep his office "warm" while he is on sabbatical in order to assemble his defense team.

Effective today, a cardboard cutout of the "King" will fill in for the Mayor until such time that he is able to resume his duties or is sent to the federal "pen!"

A joint welcoming cocktail party/simulated press conference/rock concert will be held tonight at the new "Tip Top Tap" lounge to welcome the "King" (Yes, all 6'2" of him!) to the Biosphere/Snail Heights."

BEWARE: This dragon bites!

Recap:
Bloggee, remember like a WEEK ago (!!) back in the Investigation Lab where the EGG that landed from the UFO in Montrose Harbor was sitting (like forever!!) and everyone was WAITING for it to hatch???

And then it DID hatch except they all MISSED it cuz the lazy asses were on "BREAK" (!!)???

WELL, ole"Richard," the janitor, apparently FOUND the little lively sprite on the floor and, thinking that the "Tattler" might pay BIG BUCKS for a photo of same - he grabbed his camera and took a fast shot but just THAT FAST the little bugger took a nip our of his finger and flew off!


THEN - all THIS happened: Read carefully, I KNOW this is a lot of material but there WILL be a brief quiz afterward so clear up your foggy New Year's Day brain and PAY ATTENTION!
..................................................................................................

Last night "Spongebobby" and I were enjoying ourselves, as we are wont to do, sipping on our straws which were planted firmly but gently in a big old jug of Corn Pone booze. After an hour or so of quietly sucking (we don't need to "speak" when we are together - we communicate telepathically) we got the BRIGHT IDEA that we would like to check on the "progress" of that UFO egg over in the Lab. We figured we would just SNEAK in past those big butt SBP (Special Biosphere POLICE) and see what we could see.
Well, when we got there - there was nobody there (!) Then we saw this photo on the floor - WOW!!!! THEN just as we started to study it - (double WOW!!!) the whole BUILDING started to SHAKE and SHIMMY and a HUGE gaping HOLE opened up right there in the Lab and SWALLOWED us all up - me, "Pip," "Bob," all all the huge pieces of lab equipment all went ZOOM! CRASH! BANG! down one of the deepest HOLES you could ever imagine - guess where we wound up?????????????????

Your right, smart bloggee, right BACK DOWN into the "Scary Place" we were LAST WEEK when we were OUTSIDE (is this whole BIOSPHERE nothing but a collection of pits, holes, mineshafts, etc??????)

So like I was saying, down down down we went til we were RIGHT IN FRONT of that especially HIDEOUS FACE again (!) - the one with the great big MOVING LIPS and all the millions of maggoty, crawly things going in and out. ARGGGHHHHH!

Then the "HATCHLING" - this DRAGON THING came OUTTA NOWHERE and started chasing me and Bob!!

He was FAST, bloggee, and we were REAL SCARED! We tried to go FASTER and FASTER but as FAST as we went the little sh*t went faster.

He had this weird running/hopping type motion - once he ALMOST nipped "Bobby" & that was way too close for comfort! Over boxes, around corners, the little pr*ck chases us, spitting little fire bursts and trying to BITE us with his sharp little fangs!

I was just about to do a quick turn around and pick poor "Bob" up and try to carry him as he can only "tumble" (that's how he moves himself) and all that "tumbling" can make him quite dizzy after a while and then he gets NAUSEATED......ugh!

Anyway, just THEN the HIDEOUS juicy, RED LIPS of the face opened REAL WIDE and the little ratfink baby DRAGON turned right around and RAN INSIDE the LIPS!!

Well, bloggee, this was just TOO MUCH for "Bob as he stopped for a second (he was "tumbling" again and REALLY dizzy!) and then he PUKED all over my tail and keeled over in a dead faint!.

As you know, there is NO WAY I can go ANYWHERE with ANY foreign matter on my tail so, I turned around real fast and there, in front of me, was the tunnel that we used to get out LAST WEEK!

I ran up and out of that HELLHOLE as fast as my furry little legs could carry me and yelling "C'mon BOB - you can do it!" all the way up!

There was no sign of poor Bobby when I made it to the top so all I could do was to go back home (I felt just terrible having to leave Bob behind!!!!) -

I ran in and rinsed my tail off in the bathroom (whew! I hate that) and sat down to collect my thoughts.

What should I do? What will happen to Bob?
"He" was laying in the bed (!) on the computer (as usual) - I tried to "tell" "him" that something BAD was wrong but he just looked at me and told me to go "take a nap.!" GRRRRRRRRR!

"NAP??" when my BFF is in TROUBLE??? Is he nutz!!

HELP!!! WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY BELIEVE ME???!!!


To be continued...

HAPPY NEW YEAR, y'all!

Hope we all have a great 2009.

From the folks at "Pip's Ear."


P.S. Only 20 days and our long, national nightmare will be over. Hang on, bloggee!

P.S. This is my cousin, "Neil," he's only a Maltese and not a Papillion like me. He has bad breath.