Dear "Olaf"

And by the way, I know your real name. Lets just say it begins with a "T" and ends in a "y", and we will leave it at that.

Also, I know that you cannot help being cute. I have the same problem. But get serious, kiddo, who is cuter, I ask you, and who was the cuter puppy?

Nuff said.

But to the substance of your question. I have consulted the inner eight ball and it says "Get real." As in grow up, kid, the sooner the better.

I have nothing against you personally, but as you mature, you will realize that your territory is very important. Also, you will come to understand that barking is a very satisfying activity.

We live in a society here, and in any society there are rules and limits. I have seen you hanging out with those two little white poodle things. Let me tell you something about them. They are bad company. First of all, they bark - actually, yip is a more appropriate description - far more than I do. And when they are alone, they keep it up incessantly, just like the stupid spaniels next door who howl disconsolately all day.

Then, of course, they take liberties. They pee and poop all over the garden area right in front of my window, and I even saw them frolicking and peeing on the grassy knoll outside my patio. This is intolerable. It is an affront to me and really to all civilized values. It must stop.

So, listen, "Olaf", you will soon be out there with the rest of us, trying to maintain some order, some sense of sanity in this unnatural world. So try to show some empathy as well.

I have four portals to defend, and frankly I wonder if it is getting beyond my capacities to do so. First off, there is the main window, the one where we have had our brief encounters. Then there is the patio door where there is always some new intruder, not to mention the idiot children who play badminton and basketball and soccer at any hour of the day. Then I have discovered two new portals upstairs, each giving a slightly different, and in many ways superior perspective to the same areas.

Yesterday, what with running up and down the stairs and barking and growling and everything else, I felt quite exhausted by mid-afternoon and settled in for a longer than usual nap.

But, you know, at heart I have a benign disposition toward other life forms. Birds are cool, though noisy. Squirrels and rabbits I have nothing against. Bugs suck, especially spiders and flies. (I hunt them. Excellent sport).

To illustrate my point, today, while rambling through Lincoln Park, I encountered two broods of goslings and another party of morning dove chicks. These kids were really cute and sweet. We should be more like them.