RIP, Senator Ted.

Family reunion II.........

Maxims from the Real Pip and some helpful hints

First of all, someone has hijacked my blog and filled it with all sorts of nightmares and demons and stuff and tried to scare people. I have a pretty good idea who it is, or what it is, to be more precise. Hint: it is pink and it fits on your feet and it once possessed "her". Another hint: if our suspicions are correct, it will receive many damaging bites, which are not so bad as our bark, but pretty bad all the same.

We have consulted with our trusted counselors, Drs. M&M and Monkey T. Frogg (practice limited to stuffed animals and frogs), as well as Hummingbird, their medium. They have a theory about recent events on this blog that explains everything. Hint: what is missing in this photo of a stuffed rabbit toy? Second hint: how many ears does a stuffed rabbit toy have? Third hint: how many ears does this stuffed rabbit toy have? Fourth hint: what is floating in the witch's cauldron?

Finally, the advice.

1. Listen to "them" when they talk. Listen all the time. It builds your vocabulary and you can find out a lot about their plans and whether they include you. It also freaks them out when you appear to understand everything they are saying.

2. Always keep an up-to-date inventory of all your toys and possessions. Know where your toy boxes are at all times and keep an accurate record of the GPS coordinates of the Well of Toys.

3. Keep a close watch on all windows and doors in your house, including TVs and printers, the most insidious source of home invaders. Bark maniacally whenever something you disapprove of passes by. Remember, you are completely safe when you are protected by glass or doors or screens. If a bad thing passes through any of these barriers, run as fast as you can and hide under the bed. Stay very still until it goes away.

4. When you have a choice, always be nice. Nice gets you past a lot of scrapes. So does cute. Cute is even better than nice.

5. Best of all things is the tummy rub. Second best is the shoulder massage.

6. For some reason, "they" like to slobber all over each other. Make a big fuss when this happens and be sure to slobber all over "them" when they least expect it.

7. Maintain a ready and abundant supply of objects suitable for the burial or concealment of toys and other valued objects. Be certain all of your most valued possessions are safe before going to sleep.

8. Whenever they go out without taking you, make an enormous fuss, yelping and spinning around, etc. Then go straight to sleep. When they return, repeat the process.

More advice will follow. My 2AM kibble snack is calling.

A dozen life advisements according to Pip:

1.) Always have painted toenails.
They will make you feel young.

2.) If you wake up with an anxious knot in your chest - go outside asap! Just have a bite to eat, check your email and then go for a fast walk/jog -speed is irrelevant -just go go go!
When you come home you will feel much better - guaranteed!

3.) A hot shower or bath soothes the soul anytime day or night.

4.) If you are depressed - go to a movie. Pick a good seat far away from everyone else - relax and happily anticipate your trip to the "silver screen."

5.) Meditate every day for as long or as little as you like but be sure to do it every day. Try to clear your mind, observe your natural breaths, choose a simple phrase or mantra and say it over and over, slowly.

6.) Read the Bible last thing before you go to sleep - just a few phrases will do.

7.) Keep in touch with your family and friends on a daily basis.

8.) Always compliment pets you pass on the street especially if you think their owners don't seem to appreciate them.

9.) Say a prayer first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

10) Watch movies often, old favorites and new. They will provide escape from everyday life which we need so often.

11.) Bake a loaf of bread in your bread machine. Set if for 3 - 4 hours, go out for a walk or some exercise and when you come back - just breathe in the wonderful aroma of freshly baked bread - heaven!

12.) Go for a walk in the park and bring your camera. Take photo's as you walk - squirrels, geese, gulls, trees, the world is waiting - take your best shots!

Deep, deep in the woods there is a small house.

It sits on the edge of a tremendous cliff that falls off into a fathomless abyss.

If you stand high on your tiptoes you can peek inside and see the witch herself muttering curses to no one in particular (her elderly 3 legged cat?) She takes big slugs from an old cracked bowl of some hideous green liquid. (ugh!!!)

Don't be frightened, blogee! Step up and see what you can see. What is that??? WHAT is that sticking out of the side of the cauldron???

Is it a ..............OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is that an.....EAR???????????????

Ooooooooooooooooooohhhh.......spooky......

"Over roots, twigs and peat "Pip" pads along on aching feet.

Climbing over twisty trees , his little ears are full of leaves.

His paws are aching....his heart is breaking.....

Where oh where CAN he be?
Its so awfullyfoggy - he can't see..."

Did somebody mention Nutcracker?

Because I was sound asleep and I think I heard some lizard hissing around talking lizard trash talk and then I heard someone mention Nutcracker and hey, I got him, but it wasn't a lizard at all but Nutcracker who looked like the lizard at least in my dream or vision or whatever one of my favorite toys from last Christmas and I was just thinking about Christmas trees and how nice it was there under the tree instead of in the land of the big eared things and now I'm really confused.

Que es esto?

What is THIS..... I've stumbled upon - a tiny sleeping white thing?

He looks like a TASTY morsel.....indeed! Yum (gulp!)

He seems to be moaning and yelping in his dreams - I wonder what is on his little pea brain???

Oh, who cares??? All I'm interested in is a TASTY meal!

Let me slither over closer to him and see what he SMELLS like....."roast leg o' lamb?" "fillet of soul?" "bacon, cheesebugga?" I'll just see what I can smell.....

Oh, woe is me......sob sob......

All I wanna do is go HOME ("take me home, flying friend.....") and HERE I am in the CRAZY place with all these big eared FREAKAZOIDS and I'm a friggin' GIRAFFE (!!!!) all because I jumped into the MAGIC FOUNTAIN to wash off those horrible RED SPOTS that I got when I ate the jujube's and climbed the stone steps after I flew and crash landed into the Witch's Woods, y'know?

An' NOW what am I supposed to do???

I guess I'll just lay down and try to MEDITATE - I'll think a happy thought. I'll think of of SPONGEBOBBY and sitting in front of the Xmas tree an' maybe I'll wish my way back to where I came into the WEIRD place - maybe back to the Witchy Woods and the spooky cottage where I crashed. I bet I could get home from THERE!

(zzzzzzzzzzzz.........zzzzzzzzzzzz.......)

What kind of place is this?

I mean, I mean, I am surrounded by things with big ears. Though I do feel kind of at home here too.

I mean, I have big ears too. Really big ears. JUST LIKE THEM.

Is this my native land? Or planet?

I mean, even the plants have big ears.

But I miss my pillows. Sigh.

Yow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who's THIS long eared dude???

What did that crazy FOUNTAIN do to me????

Whoa!

That was invigorating. I think I'm all better.

But I'm still not home.

And it's still DARK.

AND I'M STILL HUNGRY!!!

And did I mention it's STILL SCARY out here.

Instructions

On ascending to the spooky gazebo, the following instructions were found:

1 - Community Chest, pay $250

2 - Go back to "Go". Do not pass "Go". Do not pass "Jail". Do not collect $250. Do not pay Community Chest.

3 - Reheat in microwave on high for 30 seconds or place packet in boiling water for six minutes.

4 - Eat seven real jujubes (the nuts), leave eleven jujubes for the wood nymph thing. Then jump in the fountain pictured at right. Your fur will return to its pristine and lovely ermine state without the weird red dots and stuff.

Hmm. I will do 4. Wish me luck.

The Indomitable Pip of Pip's Ear

Spooky gazebo....

Piipi Oh Pippi Oh Pipppppi Ohhhhhhhhhh..........

Your heavenly BIGTIME angel is watching your predicament.

You have fallen under an enchantment put on you by a wood nymph and it is, little by little, turning you into a CRIMSON caricature of your old self!

He/she said you thoughtlessly stood on his tail while lumbering up the steps and now the higher you climb the redder you will get!
(Check below for what happened to the last Maltilion that climbed all the way up to Mt. Poo-Poo!)
.........................................................................

Look - when you get to the TOP of the stone staircase - go to your LEFT and climb into the old GAZEBO.

There you will find your next set of instructions....get WITH IT, kid, as the "big time" angel's time is VERY IMPORTANT and he's not going to spend much more of it on a PIPsqueak who got lost in a dream and now can't find his friggin' way back!!!

I swallowed the whole BOX of "Jujube's"!

Then I fell asleep for HOURS! When I woke up there in front of me was a beauteous stone staircase that goes WAY WAY up - all the way up to my house, I bet!

I'm SURE this is the way HOME - away from this never ending NIGHTMARE of WITCHES and MONSTERS!

I'm NOT going into the Inky Darkness, across the creepy "root bridge" OR follow that dumb stuffed "Mungie" thing ANYWHERE.

I'm going to cross my paws and take a chance and MARCH right UP these steps!

I hope I make it!





(WHOA! Blog followers - I'm just sayin' but does your little buddy look kind of DIFFERENT all of a sudden? Kind of like a HIDEOUS redmop redmop REDMOP or something?
What did that box of candy DO to him?? Where the HECK is he going and why is he RED?
I think he's making a terrible MISTAKE, don't you?
The little nerd should have followed ME - "Mungie" - I had the secret way out - down the "Misty Road to Home" - just as his "garden angel" told him!
Now he's in an even WORSE pickle than EVER!! Poor little RED dood!

Hey kid, pssst......over here.......

Between you and me and the lampost (IF there was one in these fercoctah "woods"...) he's not the "garden angel" (HAH!!) - that's ME - MOI - MYSELF!

Listen to me, little chum, I'll steer you right!

To heck with that so-called "sister" of yours (a "Maltie" with .....SPOTS??? I don't THINK so!) or that hideous, mangy funkified critter with the cringingly ugly puss, the one calling himself the "garden angel" - HAH!!!

More like the "garden DEVIL - BEELZEBUB - if'n you ask me!

Follow me like a skin shadow, lil buddy, I'll never lead you astray....now what you want to DO is to go this OTHER way - NOT towards the "root bridge" (ick!) nor into the inky darkness but go the THIRD way, kid o' mine and you won't be sorry.
Here you go now - be on your way - go on now, don't delay!! Follow my loyal lackie, "Mungie" - he'll show you how to get out of this creepy place....go on NOW ------ ----"GIT!!!!"

Hey DUMMY!! Listen to me, your GARDEN ANGEL.........

Not THOSE "jujube's" dumpkof (!!))

See below for the JUJUBE'S you are SUPPOSED to eat - to get away from this scary NIGHTMARE in the haunted Witch's Woods........


( DUMPKOF!!)

Jujubes

Listen, you little twit! I told you to run across the scary bridge made of weird roots or something. When you get across, eat the jujube fruits that look like this. Eat a lot of them. All is not as it seems. It is always darkest before the dawn. Hide out until then.

Also, look for the good witch. She looks like this, which isn't too good, but trust me on this one.

Your friend from days gone by,

Jujube

And now.....in a different (but uncomfortably closer)

part of the Witch's Woods....someone is talking, no MUTTERING under their breath -like a low and slow incantation....

"Ilkas vomitototis......ubcrixco......" (WHAT??????)

"Spngie Wite Castles dipd n blood....." (??????????)


Parting the branches and bushes aside, a furry figure can be seen. Its sitting in a tree, peering off into the far distance. It seems to be in a hypnotic trance of some sort. Its watching something or someone very intently.....muttering those curses over and over......
What is this slimy creature up to....I think it doesn't bode well for Mr. Pip, fine little fellow that he is! These Woods are HAUNTED, surely they are....I'm sure glad I'M not there - especially now that a MYSTERIOUS inky darkness has settled over the whole area, making it IMPOSSIBLE for Mr. Pip to find his way out of there.....poor little fellow (sniff....)

OUCH! What is that thing in the grass I just stepped on?

Yikes - it looks like a dirty old magnifying glass!

I'm going to wipe it off and see if I can see what is at the end of that spooky looking root bridge.......

Its really dirty and all monged up so I'm going to spit on it (both sides, of course) and then wipe it on my precious sable-like fur/hair.

I have to wipe it a LOT as it has some strange gooey like substance on it.

(WIPE~~~ WIPE!!!!! ......More wipey wipe!)

Ok, I think its getting a little better - let my blow on the glass a few times ---------

Ah, yes, I'm going to take a look-see and try to figure out if I can possibly see what is at the end of the bridge.............

WHOAAAAAA!!

I THOUGHT SO -its a FILTHY trap!

I'm going to run in the OPPOSITE direction....its so DARK, though,......I can't see in front of me.

How did it get so CREEPY DARK all of a sudden....

The Mirror of Erised?

Somehow that cookie was laced with some hallucinogen or I DON'T KNOW WHAT so when I looked in the mirror I saw another Maltillon not me who looked back at me and then I recognized my long-lost sister Jujube from Cricklewood whom astute readers of this blog will recognize wrote me a really nice letter several months ago urging me to persevere in my exploits no matter what people said and that I was really GOOD which I am and then I thought it was all an illusion and then Jujube spoke from inside the mirror and told me to run because I was in really big trouble and I said where should I run and she said just run over the weird looking bridge of vines or roots or something or other so I ran and now well I don't know where I am.

Where are "him" and "her" when I need them? Is there any liver in this godforsaken forest? OR EVEN KIBBLE?

HELP!!!!

WHOA!!!

Who's THIS????

Its not ME - that's for sure!

But, there's no one else around here - and I'm the only one looking in the mirror......Could it be ME????

OHHHHHHHHHHHH .....HELP!!! HELP!!!!!!!

Ugh....I feel terrible....and, somehow, DIFFERENT......

Something really STRANGE is going on here.

There's a MIRROR over there in that shed.

Let me climb up into that little lighted box underneath it so I can see what I can see....

Yuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Burp.....

I dunno but it seems like there is something funny about this cookie!

I feel all funny inside, like I'm going to upchuck.

Well, now where was I?????

Oh, I remember!

I was mysteriously transported to these really WEIRD woods!

I flew, walked and ran for a long time and then I looked around and I was just standing in these scary, dark woods.

I saw this little spooky house and there was a bowl of water (!) out in front with a dish of oatmeal cookies (!!) and I was SO hungry and thirsty, bloggee, not to mention QUITE puzzled re: the flying bit.....
hmmmmmmm.....

Well, as soon as I have myself a little drink and some cookies, I'm going to lie down under that tree there and think about all this but right now I'm going to sneak up to that bowl....
be back in a minute - don't go anywhere, blogee dear.....
Hey, I MEAN it - don't go ANYWHERE - I may need your help!

(I forgot to post this last week when it happened....)

GRRRRRRRRRRR!!

Sorry for the delay but something happened to me today that was just, well, beyond the pale.
There I was in the breakfast room, waiting for (DUH!) my BREAKFAST and GUESS WHAT??

Someone (aka "her") TRIED to give me my biscotti but it had NOT been dipped in Starbucks coffee the way I INSIST!

Can you believe it? How am I supposed to choke down a dry ole hunk of crusty biscotti without a "dunk?"

Incredible!!! I sulked on my cushion for an hour afterwards.

Now back to the story at hand.....I'm lost in the spooky WITCH Cottage woods.......

YEE-IKES! I woke up and LOOK at what I saw!

I had to run for my puppy hide! Out the door (even though it was closed?) over the fence (I never JUMPED THAT high before.....hmmmmmm......what's going on here?)
Then (this is getting weird!) I, like, FLEW over the Rosenschweig's soccer field next door and then (HUH???) up OVER the roof of their building (!!!) OVER the Inner Drive and then, well, (gulp!) I was, like, in the WOODS or something!!

THEN, I walked and ran and FLEW and all and THEN I saw this HOUSE - so I went up to get a closer look.
I'm SCARED, old bloggee, what should I do?? You tell!

Should I try to go up and say" HI!" - what am I DOING here, anyway?!

Hmm

Beady eyes, orange nose, tiny ears. A cat that's lost it's carrier. We know where to put it. Not at Hogwarts, that's for sure.

Animal control.

I'm running in Lincoln Park - wanna try and stop me?

BTW, whose the sleepy time dude up there in the corner - he looks like a tasty morsel.......
Maybe when I come back from my jog I'll pay him a little visit......