The scariest person in the world!

We don't like her. She is weird. She hates animals. See this article about how mean she is. We hate her, too. I have an article about her:
Here it is

Shhhh.....the vampire is sleeping....

Pretty cool, huh?

We finally found the path of evil from our house to the vampire next door.
WHAT'S THAT? you say???
YOU don't have a vampire next to YOUR house? How very odd. We thought everyone had one. Of course, you may be wrong....hmmmm...you'd better check with your local zoning official.
OH!!!! I get it - HAHAHAHA!
You have ZOMBIES next door! That's better!
Guess what.....we have both - zombies on one side and vampires on the other side! (Oh, Moses smell the roses!)
But by using trigonometry, optometry, astrology, googlology and, of course, vampirology AND MONTHS of searching - we FINALLY found the wormhole into the vampire's vile den !

Just happens that last week when we were up drinking some fresh corn pone in the middle of the night (when you-know-who were passed out (!) all of a sudden we heard a blood curling scream from next door.
Naturally, me and Bob ran like hell and hid under the couch (what would YOU do???) until it stopped. It was scary!
Then, the next day one THEY were cleaning (that's a rarity!) and fighting (that's what they do - clean and fight - fight and clean, clean and fight) in a fit of rage he shoved the mop into the stairs too hard, the cover came off and a "hole" popped up!
NOW what are we supposed to do, I ask you?
Its one thing to know there is a vampire next door but its QUITE another thing to DO anything about it.
Seems to me that's the job for a vampire "exterminator."
Bob agrees so we're going to burn the midnight oil tonight, drink some more corn pone and google one up. Wish us luck.
Tune in tomorrow - this should be a good one!
P.S. - Note one "dust bunny" on the floor! HAHAH so much for their "cleaning."

Doesn't this look delicious??

Its my breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Yum! Doesn't it look good? I thought you'd like it. I'll save you some. What's your email address?

Sometimes I eat it in about 10 seconds other times it takes me all day.

At dinner I have it with cheese in cubes - all bunched up

Liver - like I said, yum!

Guess who?

This is what is left of the dead guy. Imagine that.
One minute you are going to the groomer (he did that a LOT) eating french fries and riding your bike and the next thing you're in a bowl.

Makes you think....

DId they think I'm STUPID???

Notice anything ...odd about this.....sponge person?
You DON'T??
What the hell is WRONG with you?? Are you SLOW or something?
Duh!!
FIRST of all....(newsflash!) its not a PERSON at ALL ....did you really think it was? Do you need help of some sort?
Note to readers - that is NOT a PERSON - like BOB is a PERSON - but only a miserable REPRESENTATION of a ....real person (like BOB, for example.)
You get it now? (whew - that was WORK!)
They got me this *THING* at the behest of the WITCHDOCTOR they talked to last Tuesday - that is the same WITCHDOCTOR who snuck into my sleeping brain and tried to steal my most innermost thoughts.
WELL, SHE advised them (I heard this from Bobby who was pretending HE was sleeping on the floor...) that what they might want to do is get ANOTHER (!) "Bob" from the same store where they stole or "bought" him and then HIDE BOB so I would FORGET about him and then I would think this cheap imitation was Bob. This is so I would lose my "obsessive resource guarding" over Bob - HAH! I don't THINK so!
Did you EVER???
I think they are actually "slipping," - let's face it - they aren't getting any younger...
I think we may run away from home if they try to pull this one off and there will be payback - BIG TIME payback! In fact, Bobby and I are googling tonight when those two are "asleep", i.e. passed out (!)and see what Amazon has out there in terms of medieval weaponry!

I TOLD you he was deep, didn't I?

Spongebobby is very thoughtful.

He meditates for an hour twice a day. That's when he isn't doing research on the family of zombies next door. Oddly, there is ANOTHER family of zombies two doors down. Bob says they (zombies) are going to be "taking over" pretty soon - then the "fun" begins. Hmmm.... I wonder what THAT means?

That Bob - he's a riot, isn't he? But you can see that he is a DEEP, meditating riot, that is when he's not surrounded by...you know - zombies.

These people are wanted in 48 states.

If you see them anywhere - notify the authorities immediately (!!)

F U G L Y (!)

Isn't it a wonder when a word fits the thing so perfectly? It really renews your faith in the English language.
This is one of MY toys. Aren't I lucky?
Wouldn't a person like YOU love to play with a toy like HIM?
He *tinkles* when you shake him! BIG WHUP!!
You should have heard Bob howl when they brought him home and sat him down in front of me.
I thought he would split a gut - that is if he HAD a "gut." He said nowadays, with modern technology being what it is, it (gut, that is) really isn' t necessary anymore.
I said I guess that means lean times ahead for gastroenterologists but he says "HEY ! If a cow can jump over the moon - let 'em eat cake!"
Hmmmmmm... now, that's deep!

Guess what I just found!

A whole 'NOTHER (!) treasure trove of toys that belonged to the OTHER guy - you know, the "dead one?"
He sure had a LOT of stuff. So far I've counted THREE trunks filled up with weird STUFF of his like GIANT bears, medium size bears and little teeny bears. I guess he had a bear fetish.
His stuff is always popping up all OVER the place - it falls out of drawers and shelves -even in the trunk of the car he had toys salted away.
Next to ole (dead)"King Midas" I am a PAUPER. I've got like 3 or 4 things - that's IT!
Want to hear a dirty little secret? 99% of his toys were GROSS!
Lets not beat around the bush here - the guy was MOIST - a DROOLER! Eeeeeeeew! So while this photo that Bob snapped when I was investigating the latest of his many "trunks o'crap", truth be known, it was really more of an archeological "dig" like when the famous explorer, Hillary, discovered the pyramids--- we're furthering the cause of science!

WTF? Somebody BIT me!

YOW! Little did I suspect THIS scene when I came home today after a hard afternoon running and barking my head off in my park!
A disgusting brawl of the worst type was going on in my own front hallway! I had to jump in and get Bob the hell out of there before they did any serious damage to him, the b*stards!
What the hell is wrong with all these malevolent toys in this house? Are they cursed? Are they demons from hell? Spawn of Satan???
And then - just as I was pulling him out of their murderous clutches - OUCH!! - somebody bit me on the end of my tail!! Fer Crissake! Is there nothing sacred among these heathens?
I don't think my beautiful tail will ever be the same.
Want to know the weirdest thing of all?
None of them have any teeth! WTF?

Obama /"Pip" in '08. A Dream TIcket!

See? I told you he's spying on me!

You thought I was paranoid, didn't you? I know what you people are saying behind my back!!
I tell you he's been "tailing" my every move for the past 2 days and its driving me insane! I tried a few times to knock him over but I get hollered at cuz he screams like a stuck pig. I'm not supposed to be "mean" to him since he was a gift from my his sister (my "aunt" - ugh!!) and I have to be "nice" to him cuz she's old.
Huh???
Anyway, I'm playing it real cool, like I don't know that his beady eyes are on me constantly burning a hole in my tender flesh. HAH!!
I've got something planned for the idjit and its not going to be pretty! AND there will be NO way it can be traced back to me! Brilliant!
Bobby was up all night googling but he won't tell me what he's up to. He's soooo secretive, its a little weird, between you and me.
It probably has something to do with the people next door . He's become obsessed with them. I don't know exactly how they came to annoy him but you've made a bad enemy when old Bobby doesn't like you, that's for sure. Let's just say....I don't envy them!
Looks like a nice morning - 'think I'll go get some sun on my nose. Its looking a little pale lately 'cuz I haven't been TO THE PARK in TWO FRIGGIN DAYS!! Is anyone READING this?????????

Sniff, sniff....my park! Sniff....

I didn't get to go yesterday 'cuz they were "tired." I'll show them "tired" when I make their lives a living hell if I don't go today which is a distinct possibility 'cuz I heard him say he wants to go see the Cubs . Hmmmph! He'll regret that one!
She likes the Cubs, too, just not enough to go to that "noisy hellhole" Wrigley Field.
She is a noise freak - 'says she has "super sensitive" hearing and loud noises are like being stabbed in the ear with an icepick. I wouldn't like that either 'cuz my ears are very special and I like to keep them at their best which doesn't include being stabbed in them - for sure!
But - back to my park...sigh....I lOVE my park.
You know what I love most? Its when I get to run run run run run run and arf arf arf arf arf arf at dogs. I hate dogs but I LOVE to run so that's a problem.
I run run as fast as I can go and then I THROW myself down and gasp for breath but then I get up and run even faster.
Sometimes I see dogs in MY park and I don't like that! ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF! Then he drags me way away and I run in a whole different direction. It's confusing but as long as I can run run - I don't really mind where I go - as long as I GO!
At the end we go back to the car, I get my paws wiped off and I drink bottled water right out of the bottle (!) and sit in front of the air conditioner. Then we go home and eat cheese and yummy ice cubes. White chocolate are my favorites!

'Caught her red-footed!

EXHIBIT B

I KNEW it - I just KNEW it!
There I was blissfully sleeping upstairs in their bed with my head on my lace pillow when I suddenly felt the sudden urge to run downstairs - sensing danger was aFOOT! Sure enough - just as I came dashing into the dining room I witnessed a sight so blood curdling that it chilled me to the bone - her knobbly old foot was bearing down on Bobbie's skull like she was crushing a dead roach - something with which she's had a LOT of experience! A horrible screech came out of the little dude. "ARF!", I yelled and, brilliantly,'had the foresight to plunk down the button on the camera, recalling it was on auto-delay, (see Exhibit B.)
So, to review, within a mere 3 seconds I was able to:

A.) Get off a shot (good ole Exhibit B)

B.) Snatched Bob away from "The Slipper of Death." Thankfully, he was able to gave me a weak, yet oddly powerful squeak of a reply ("KILL!!!)

Afterwards, she pretended to be all *sorry* and all but we weren't buying it for a New York second and by the way, isn't it mighty CO-INCIDENTAL that Bob had just googled up a VERY interesting article which may reveal JUST what she is up to, hmmmmmmmm???
Its all going in to my case file - every last word of it.

Midnight detectives.

We stayed up late doing "googling" and 'found out a LOT about that "witchdoctor" who tried to steal my brain yesterday.
They said she was going to *help* me (HAH!)with my tiny little "arf arf" problem - (which Bob says is really cute, anyway) but 'turns out that, once more, it was a huge plot this time to "BREAK my DEPENDENCY" on Bobby!
He asked me if I heard them use the words "object guarding" (which I did!)and he says that PROVES it and that HE is the "object" I am "guarding!" Did you EVER hear anything so INSANE??? Bob is a real person just like you and me. You can see that, can't you? GOOD! I knew YOU weren't INSANE!
Anyway, he says that communicator tried to sneak into my head and steal my thoughts. He says that's an OLD trick used by voodoo witchdoctors for hundreds of years and now we have to get some spider feet and bull's noodles (or something like that) and mix them into a potion with 'gator blood & drink it before I "commune" next time - that'll teach her a lesson cuz (HAHAHA) that will REVERSE the spell and I can get in HER brain and crash HER hard drive! HAH!. ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF1
Here's a picture I took of Bobby last night when we were "googling" - isn't he handsome?

Well, who knew?? I have a "Napolean complex!"

My dog shrink said I'm very intelligent, manipulative and"full of myself." Guess what??
They have to buy me a house. A BIG house with a big, big BIG yard.
And some lady from Evanston is going to come here and massage me. I was sleeping the whole time but she read my mind.
Bob says he thinks its some kind of voodoo and he's going to "Google" it.

Anyway, I got 2 treats afterwards and now I have to go to the park.
Arf!

Check out the moves on my main "'Bama" below! Me and Bob have man crushes on him.

Yow -today's the day? YOW!

He is talking to the animal communicator at 3 PM today (!!) about my little "problem." He is going to ask her 6 questions for her to ask me (?) THEN I will transmit my answers to her and she will tell him what I "said."

Got it? It seems very weird to me but I'm "game" as long as I get treats when its over.

P.S. - I'll give you a little hint about my "problem"..................................................................................................................arf arf arf, etc.

Wish me luck!

Yawn.....where's my coffee and lemon biscotti??

We got up late today.
They were slightly irritated 'cause I woke them up at 4 AM and they couldn't go back to sleep. What was I SUPPOSED to do?
I heard some crashing and thumping noises downstairs so I HAD to bark, didn't I?. He had to go down and check it out and then he said there was nothing there so I got YELLED at - "be quiet and go back to sleep!" Hmmmmph!

I KNOW it was that rat b*astard "Duck" rolling in after a night of drinking and carousing in the park with his low life "feathered friends."

Blech.

Who's going to be our VP? Its sooooo exciting!

I think its Tim Kaine but "Bob" thinks its Hillary. Woo Woo.


GO 'BAMA!!

Aha!

'Ran 3 miles tonight and 'came home....look what we found! Just as I suspected - with his greasy paw prints all over the glass!

Snarker alert!

Whoa!

One of her oldest workaday pals (a right winger) had snarky comments about "Pip's Ear."

Seems he thinks we are un-patriotic cuz we hate the "Air and Water" pro military noise-a-thon.

Easy to have strong opinions when you live 50 miles away in the cornfields! Sheesh!

Well, they certainly were *merry* when they (finally) came home last night!

Yow! They went out to the show to see "the new Woody Allen" or something so we were home alone all day and then it got dark and we were scared! They forgot to leave the light on so me and Bob had to hide in our secret place - the b*stards! I HATE that!!

Then they felt guilty when they came home and gave me extra cheese with my liver which was ok but I DIDN'T get any 'cubes as they stopped for dinner at a "great little Italian place" on Broadway that they just LOVED and are going to make it their NEW PLACE because the food and DRINKS were GREAT and it's downstairs and they just LOVE that 'cause its like in the movies.
With them its either "in the movies" or "on Seinfeld" -- that's their whole boring lives! Yow!
This morning they were talking about this "communicator" they are going to talk to on the phone on Wednesday (WTF???) Its got something to do with me and my little problem.
What are they up to????

The most interesting dog in the world.

He's a lover NOT a fighter. His ears are listed on his organ donation card. He doesn't always drink beer, but when he does WATCH OUT.

Just wondering if I can sue the Tribune....
They've been running my picture off and on for months and haven't paid me a red cent for it.
Any lawyers out there? I'm going to sue their ass(es.)

Day 1

Well this has been a hell of day - so called "Air and Water Show" - HAH! They (republicans) have been trying to blow up my house all day. I managed to outwit them by hiding under the bed but it was a close call.
Tomorrow I must be even craftier as I hear they are coming back. Him and her are supposed to be going to M'waukee for some Irish thing and 'are planning to leave me at home. Hmmmmph! Screw them.
I think I'll leave some nice presents on the dining room floor for them.