My trip to Door County

Last week I went to Door County.  "Him" and "Her" came along.  So did Bubba Bob, Red Bird, Little Bo Peep, Fat Man, and Bear.  It was fun.  We had many adventures at Horseshoe Bay Park where I was attacked by brambles.

This is me in the back window of the car where I fretted/slept when they went off to stuff their faces in fancy restaurants.

Above is me on a big rock after being attacked by brambles, but before I realized it.  This part was fun.

Me and "him."

A view from the cabin.  Pretty cool.

No wonder I'm confused!! I'm TWO....dudes in one body!!

Isn't this Blog About Me?

You need a good swig of this stuff!

Known as IQ juice.

 It will all be clear to you then.  You are confused and need a good lie down.  Plus you violated the 2 sentence rule.  You are a baaaad boy and you didn't make a suggestion for doing something new so you are VELLY VELLY bad.

I'm Confused

I mean, who is who here? I know I, Pip, am me. I mean, how could I not be Pip? There is only one Pip and that is me. Why would Pip want to be anyone else? I mean, Pip is Pip.

As for you, Sister Mary Knucklecracker, back off. You will see that it can be proven conclusively that the size of the ear is inversely proportional to the size of the foot and that therefore I, Pip, cannot be related in any fashion to the Bigfoot/Werewolf/Reggie.

Furthermore, the corollary to this theorem definitely demonstrates that such creatures cannot and do not exist.

Q.E.D.

Sister says you better not fib!!

You know that I will never look like that monster.  I am sweet little Pip who currently looks a little like my third cousin twice removed, "Reggie" the puppy and we have no monsters in our blood stream or jeans.  Tell the truth, don't prevaricate, young man or you'll get your big ears boxed!! Ouch!!!!

Heads Up, Bigfoot!

I don't want to cause alarm, kiddo, but it may be time to look in the mirror. Those are mighty big feet, the kind of feet that genetically could lead to serious problems. Like this:


Take a tip from a friend. Have them seen to immediately. Sooner if you can.

R U saying that I, Pip, am not Pip?

This house doesn't have any mirrors but looking at my feet, well, they do look a lot BIGGER than they used to be....could I have zapped into the wrong body in my haste to journey back home??

Let me go back to the drawing boards....I may have to return to the ISS and re-orient my travel arc!

This is Not My Beautiful House

This is not my beautiful wife, etc., etc., etc.

Dear Reader, look closely at the surroundings. Notice anything. Have I ever been photographed or would I permit myself to be photographed in this "shotgun shack?"

Hah!!! This thing, whatever it is, is clearly an illusion. Move along.

Hey, WHITE BOY!! Get out of my chair!!!

One potato, two potato.....by the time I get to "10 potatoes" -  you better disappear!!

Pip I

Out! Out! Damned Spot!

Whoa!!! Wait a minute!!!!!!

Who is sitting in my chair?

That's better.

Whoa! Its GREAT to be back home!

Sure feels WONDERFUL to wake up from that NASTY nightmare on my own nice little brown sofa.

Hey, I'm HUNGRY - what's a guy got to do to get some FOOD around here???

"WIsh I may, wish I might.....make my wish come true tonight!"

"please take pip home.  No more maps,  no more twinkling sisters, no more bleary eyed astronauts, etc."
That is all.

Pip

The Map

Lots of news to report, Dear Reader, some of which is so incredible you will not believe it. I'm sorry, it's true all the same.

First, the impossible vision I experienced at the end of the last post was none other than my lost lost sister Jujube. When I last heard from her, she wrote heartfelt words of encouragement from Cricklewood, which I had thought to be a suburb of London. Little did I know the nefarious plots, the subterranean deceptions, the, the... But I digress.

Jujube and I were separated at a young age. One day a whirlwind occurred. I landed in the middle of a field in Indiana where I was discovered and adopted by "him" and "her." Where Jujube landed I never knew. I had presumed in Cricklewood.

Anyway, not to belabor the point, shortly after experiencing the miraculous vision of my kid sister, I passed out again. When I awakened, I saw before me the map reproduced above. The most curious thing about the map was that it appeared to be entirely without feature.

Buster the astronaut suggested that it was written in some sort of invisible ink that might be revealed by a chemical reaction or heat. Buster was very excited. He thought it might provide a clue for a way out of this place.

We dipped it in vinegar first, but that didn't work. Then Buster held a match behind it. Lo and behold, the image depicted at the right appeared. Buster was flabbergasted.

"This is it! This is it!" he cried, beside himself with the joy of discovery, or something. Unfortunately, at that moment I was seized by a fit of sneezing, the result, no doubt, of all that vinegar. In one final surge, the pink goop that had been enveloping my wonderful nose - the goop that was the result of the happy juice side effect - the pink goop shot loose and completely enveloped Buster.

Buster was paralyzed, encased in a pink gooey cocoon. The rest of the astronauts jumped to his aid, but no one could get it off. I looked over the map. It appeared to be a star map of the universe.

"We are here," Colby, one of Buster's fellow astronauts, pointed out."

OK. OK. I mean how does that help? I mean, WTF! I know we are here, Colby. I don't want to be here. I want to be there, at home with "him" and "her". And I want to rescue Jujube too. I want to go to Crickewood wherever it is, as long as it is not too far, that is. I mean, I mean.

Whatever.

And who might YOU be????

All of a sudden this dude showed up in the Hut.  He just sort of swirled in on a rainbow!  So far he is just giving me "the eye" but I think he is DEFINITELY up to something!
I wonder why he suddenly shows up - NOW??

Well, I'm still HERE! I have like 5 hours to get back HOME!!

Problem is I've developed a little PROBLEM....every time I exhale - a big PINK BUBBLE comes out!!
This is getting REAL OLD and its prevented me from finding the interstellar map which is NECESSARY for me to find some WORMY HOLE to scoot through and get back HOME in time for the frigging FIREWORKS - get it???

Sorry, blogee, but I"m highly PISSED!  to be blunt.

Buster the astronaut said I have a SYNDROME!!  Me!!  A SYNDROME!!!

Its not the first time he's seen it and, turns out, its a SIDE EFFECT from Ming's "Jolly Juice" (aka "Happy Juice") which he gave me when he removed the CREEPY CRAWLIE thing stuck to my nether region!


Buster told me there is a CLASS ACTION suit against "Jolly, Inc" - the mysterious biomedical research company that makes "Jolly Juice" is a BLACK OP cult!!!!!.

 So I've spent the day in the Law Library here in the Zulu Hut  looking up how to file a Class Action Suit.

Then something VERY STRANGE happened.  I was standing on a ladder reaching WAY UP and it was REAL HARD..

when I lost my balance and I tried to catch myself......and I fell over BACKWARDS and HIT my Head on this fugly CUPBOARD!!!

 Ouch!  Double OUCH!!  Just as I was getting UP - a rolled a FILTHY  old raggedy paper fell on me!!!
Hey WAIT A DARN MINUTE - is that the sound of FIREWORKS I hear from my old Lakefront???
Oh Woe is me..........what is to become of PIP now???

I had too much to dream last night!

I woke up in the back room of Ming's Alternative Reality Clubhouse in the ISS's Zulu Hut and a bunch of HORRIBLE green things were crawling all over me like lice on a nasty movie theater seat!  Thankfully, as soon as I gave them a few of my powerful "grrrrrrrrr's" they ran away like little pantywaists!  hahahhahahhahahahahahahhaha   Its GOOD to be POWERFUL!

Seems after my new BFF old MING-O performed a PRECISION operation on my "nether region" and removed the REPULSIVE creepy crawlie, the ANESTHESIA he administered ("Happy Juice!) knocked me out completely!  I was so ZONKED after than that I dreamed I was back in that BORING and "been there, done that" (zzzzzzzzzzzzz) Cave O'Dreams schtick.

Thank Jehova - it was all just a dream!!

Now that that's over - whew - I have to eat breakfast (Cheerios - tartar!) and say "adieu" to Ming and his MINIONS and to the astronauts, Buzz, Bud, Biff, Boomer and Buster - what a great bunch of Boys!

Then  I have to find their  MAP of the whole universe and find out where the heck I am!  I asked the Boy-o's but they said they can hardly find their way around the Space Station let alone the outer STRATOSPHERE.  They do have the aforementioned  great Map, though, but they just have to FIND it!
Hmmmmmm....where can it be???  I really need to get back home - I have tickets for the big FIREWORKS show tonight and you KNOW how I LOVE fireworks!!!!!  I have a front row seat at the  Scooter and Scotch Club and they cost me plenty of $$$$$$$$$$$$$.

Whew!

You know how in all those old Republic serials, the hero is trapped in a seemingly hopeless situation and then when the next episode begins, he just pops up free and clear and you never know how he got out and all. Like when Flash Gordon is trapped in a bread slicer (depicted in the side panel) and then suddenly he flies away with the Hawk Men (not depicted anywhere on this blog).

Well, I am not going to resort to any such obvious subterfuge in these pages. Suffice it to say that the creature who had attached to my person was a worm (already depicted in a previous entry). He was in fact the inhabitant and sole proprietor of the wormhole that had brought me to this sorry pass. I whirled and spun with all my might and jumped with all the furry power of my wonderful and celebrated hindquarters and lo, I was free and falling through the vortex to land safely in the Cave of Dreams.

That was a close call. It turns out the little hut we were all in was a yurt and the local terminus of that very same wormhole. I yawned and stretched among the pillows and comforters in the Cave of Dreams. I heard a gentle tapping on the windowpane.

The source of that tapping must await another installment of my tale.

Anyone have a match???

Just as I was finally able to relieve myself in good old Emperor Ming's Palace - one of his preatorian guards yells out  "Hey - this hairy old dog (!!) has COOTIES!!!

WTF???  Sure enough, I looked down and this hoary dude had ATTACHED himself to my NETHER REGiONS and those teeth look powerful SHARP!    HELP!!!!!!!

Whoa daddy!! That was a close one!!

Just as I was

Just as I was in the middle of soaring UP, UP and AWAAAY - what do I see headed my way but this retro hunk o' junk!! 

I had to do a fast DIP and scramble my BUTT back to the mean ole Space Station FAST.  I commenced to KICKING the front door again - STILL NO FRIGGING ANSWER!!  

In a moment of sheer inspiration I dove like hell UNDER the doormat which said "GO AWAY!"  (very funny!)_

WOW!!

Then someone began PULLING MY TAIL and it REALLY hurt!(grrrrrr........) and before I knew what happened  I was YANKED into this WEIRD  PLACE!!

A beautiful ZULU HUT!!  

Turns out it was FULL of astronauts but they squeezed over and  made room for PIP!.  

Seems they have been having a TERRIBLE problem with nasty space junk clunking around out there these days and when they get toooooo close - the boys nip into the hut for a few hours or days.  

What is it like INSIDE??  You wouldn't believe it dear bloggee!!  You wouldn't believe it!! -  

But, just in case you MIGHT believe it - take a peek below and  see if you do, you know, believe it....

.............told ya!!

The ISS didn't answer their door so I just had to keep on going!

I knocked and rung the bell and jiggled the letter slot but they just kept IGNORING me so I just took a deep breath and put my paws up and down a few times like they teach you in "drown proofing" class and I just started soaring up and away again!

Who knows WHERE I'll wind up?  Mars?  Uranus (hope not.....) ????

Oh, BTW,  no Tribune so I just .....well, you know, did what comes naturally - so watch out...BOMBS AWAY!!

Fly me to the moon!

So it went down like this.  I was bouncing on the bed WAY high - higher than I've EVER flown before and I think my head might have hit the ceiling or the roof or something.


Anyhoo, I just kept going and going and going and then BOINGO!!!!  What did I see before me but ..... the frigging INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION (!!!)

 WOW!   So I barked and SCREAMED (like I am wont to do) and NO ANSWER!  Hmmmmmmm...
what to do?  I was real hungry and I needed to use the Tribune (!!) really bad so I started howling and kicking and punching and yelling REALLY LOUD (!!)

The Battle and Its Aftermath

Loyal readers will have missed my extended absence from these pages. Rest assured that absence was not entirely intentional and that it was absolutely essential. You may recall that in my last entry I was mourning the fact that I was snowbound. That was only part of the tale.

Dear Reader, you know that I had been locked in a life and death struggle with the Boggler who had set ever more extreme and demented puzzles for me by building ziggurats of increasingly fiendish complexity.

You may wonder did I ever solve the mystery? Did I ever bring the monster to justice? Was reason and order restored to the universe?

Actually the answer to all of the above questions, sadly, is NO.

It was not from want of trying. Nor was the quest abandoned without a titanic struggle of such immense effort that it has laid me low these many days and months. Only now can the tale be told.

Well, the truth is the tale cannot be told because I’m not certain what really happened, or if anything happened at all.

It all ended several months ago in a battle fought at the edge of the bed. We rolled around for nearly an hour, he coming at me with all the diabolical fury he could muster and I answering in kind. Then we both hurtled downward in space for several feet until, alas, the Boggler disappeared and I found myself under the bed in the Cave of Dreams.

I have remained there incognito since that fateful day, lying low and plotting my re-emergence, pausing only to eat liver and cheese and snow peas and edamame and kibble as well as regular salmon and chicken freeze-dried treats generously provided at regular intervals by “Him” and “Her”. For which I am humbly and forever in their debt, I might add.

But now, I am ready to begin another adventure. Early this morning, at the stroke of 10, I was awakened by a gentle knocking…

Wait, wait, the resolution of that interview must be deferred to the next installment.

The Blizzard

Wow! That was some snowstorm, let me tell you. That's me, by the way, surveying the deck. "He" wanted to go out and build a snowman, but we couldn't get the door open. So much for promises.

It was pretty scary. For me, it all started on Saturday when hundreds of crazy robins landed in the courtyard and started foraging and flying around while I was trying to catch an afternoon nap. I knew something was up.

Then the winds came. I don't like wind and I don't like it howling in the fireplace and down the chimney and wherever. Where are my little bird friends and the squirrels and rabbits? They are my favorites. I hope they are OK.

Now this is a real cool birthday celebration - but where am I???

How come I don't have awesome parties like this?

The Tongue is Mightier than the Sword

Or something like that. This picture is from my birthday celebration in November and was delayed owing to the technical incompetence of my photographic advisers, notably Squid, who has since been demoted to journeyman status and thrown back into the Well of Toys.

But enough of recriminations, the picture is pretty slick, is it not? That tongue. I had no idea until I examined the evidence. Is this an evolutionary asset or what?

I must say, however, that the "treat" turned out to be rather a disappointment. After I blew out the candle and made a wish (wasted again, I'm afraid, as I wished for many more similar "treats") the payoff was some soggy "doggy ice cream" that tasted like melted banana juice and some other mushy substitute for the real thing.

P.S. We like the design of the Snailandia ark very much.

Welcome to Snailandia - the ark to save us all.

"They're coming! They're COMING!!!"

There is NO doubt about it.  I saw another one today - in a cabinet!  He/she pretended he/she was asleepin' but I could see his/her antennae throbbing!!

Watch out!!  You may be next.  The Attack of the Zombie Snails!   Spinaltzo is Back.  His death certificate was falsified - I was given incorrect information (damn that internet!!)

Duck and I will have to "noodle" on this one.  In the meantime I will be incognito - so watch out!  I may pop up anywhere as anyone as I know I'm on the" Snombie's" hit list for sure.

I'm officially OUTTAHERE! (And I advise you to do the same, loyal old bloggee.)

Ahem, Right Back at You

Informed readers of this blog must be aware that it was Bigfoot who drowned in the Snail Heights Community Pool nearly two years ago, not the infamous Spinalzo, who was in all probability his murderer. Now maybe people will be finally aware of the truly diabolical nature of the Spinalzo/BOGGLER conspiracy and just what I am up against.

Fortunately, my expert team of forensic scientists, Drs. M&M and Monkey T. Frog, have cracked yet another riddle. The Death Certificate, of course, is an obvious forgery, meant to cover his trail. Furthermore, their ultra-sophisticated DNA tests of the snail trails (YUCK!) and ring pattern analysis - that's right, no two snails are alike, it's like fingerprints - prove conclusively that the evil genius Spinalzo, just like Dr. Moriarty, I might add, lives on.

OK, maybe he's a ZOMBIE, I don't know, but it's him I tell you, it's him!!!

Ahem!!!

If you will please attend to the attached statement (A simile) you will see that the SNAIL person to whom  you are referring is safely INTERRED in Valhalla Memorial Cemetery and has been so lo these many years.  Cause of death is listed as "DROWNED" so one is only able to deduce that I SMELL A RAT (SNAIL)!!
The "pernail" or "snailson" pictured previously (affixed/glued to the side of a plant bucket) - well,  is the resurrected corpse of a something or other from another world OR a FACSIMILIE of a something or other come back from the great beyond which YOU AND I BOTH KNOW is what is commonly referred to as a ZOMBIE and anyone who "uses or employs a KNOWN "zombie" for purposes having to do with skullduggery and/or malfeasance shall be subjected to the fullest extent of the law!!"

THEREFORE, we STRONGLY suggest that you CEASE AND DESIST this unholy practice IMMEDIATELY or SOONER!  OR I will have no choice other than turn the whole foul situation over to my solictor,  JJ. Spoon, III. Esquire.

You have been warned!

Do I See the Hand of Mayor Spinalzo

in this plot. I mean, who else could be responsible? THE BOGGLER??? Him too.

They are all against me, dear reader. It had always been our plan to return Snailandia to the snails, to allow the land to lie fallow, a permanent playground dedicated to those little critters whose only desire was to wander its fertile wastes, munching on leaves and detritus, protected from the wicked predations of the outside world, under my gentle but firm guidance.

Alas, all is ruined. This utopia was not to be.

By the way, above is a picture captured minutes ago of the wicked Spinalzo fleeing once again. Our apologies for its grainy texture. This guy is fast even by snail standards and our correspondents were in a big hurry.

Don't think you can escape the clutches of justice again, Spinalzo. We will track you to the ends of the Earth!!!