And, of course, the ULTIMATE indignity!

Why, why do they have to do this?

Pip's Christmas!

Too much of the old corn liquor. NOT!!!

MEANTIME - back in the Biosphere:

(WOW - wait til you hear where Bob and I have been!!!)

Well, we were minding our own business, sitting under a tree, having a wee nip in the early evening when there was a slight SHIFT in the earth!!!
THEN we FELL into the same deep HOLE that Mayor Spinaltzzzo ALMOST tumbled into in the infamous ground breaking ceremony last month! The earth just OPENED UP and (gulp) swallowed us up - WHOLE!
Down, down, down we went!
Whoa! We fell a LONG way down! I don't know how things would have ended up if "Spongebobby" hadn't broken my fall, but, bloggee, this scene was at the bottom???? You wouldn't BELIEVE!!

Is this the back door of the Temple of Doom? (We have seen STRANGE activity in this area before, but we never expected this!)
After we landed, we tried to recover our wits. After checking for broken bones or loose threads and we knew we were OK, we decided to check things out!

First we saw a steady stream of tiny little SNAILS sliding up to some kind of ALTAR! They were carrying itty bitty gifts of fruit and vegetables, tiny bits really, almost microscopic.

Every now and then, a POP (!) of fire and smoke came out of the WEIRD jeweled eyes up there - or whatever the hell they were. Then the lips crawled around and sucked up all the bits of food and slime. Yuck. YUCK, YUCK, YUCK, YUCK, YUCK!

Bob puked all over me!! DOUBLE, DOUBLE YUCK!!!

I scooped the poor sick kid up and we beat feet OUTTA there! UP, up the slimy walls we tried to slither and climb - up a bit, then slide down TWO bits!

Eventually, we made it up to the surface (I was carrying Bobby in my mouth!) and we BOTH kissed ole TERRA FIRMA - we were so happy to be above ground again! HOORAY! We had to RUN over to where we had been sitting to see if our bottle of good "pone" was still there but, alas, it was GONE, too! It had fallen down the hole with us and was now lost to eternity!! (We would have to remedy that as soon as we got back home!)

Bloggee, what an adventure we had!!

Then we heard the snap snap of a camera - someone nosybody had called the paparazzi but we ran real fast and managed to give them the slip (we can be quite sneaky when we want to.....)

Truth be known, bloggee dear, ever since we started this mother freakin' blog (which is sometimes QUITE a burden!!!) we have had precious little privacy, and frankly, it is getting on our nerves. Give us a break, bloggees - we can't maintain this level of BRILLIANCE and WIT everyday!!.
Come on. NOW BUGGER OFF!!! I mean, I've got a sick sponge on my hands and I'm a little bit SHAKEN UP. OK???!!!

WOW - when you stop and think about it - who KNEW the sort of stuff that is happening right under our feet in Snail Heights???

Triple double yuck.

BTW, don't even MENTION the "mega bucks" "Heaven's Glen" community and what may be going on THERE!!"

(Don't worry, bloggee, we still *HEART* you in the EXTREME - we were just blowing off a little steam...)

Whoa......wha' happened?????

"According to "Norma", the night cleaning woman, she came in to tidy the Biolab and, naturally, went over to the SPECIAL incubator so she could take a peek at the MYSTERY egg. VOILA (!) look what she found!

Well, The little SOB had up and HATCHED and was GONE!

Poor old Norma let out a SHRIEK and that brought the biologists, eggologist and the EGB agents out of the Break Room running down the hallway and into the lab.

Sadly, all Norma could do was to point wordlessly towards the abandoned shell, sobbing and shaking at her shocking discovery!

Whatever IT was - had DISAPPEARED! They scoured the lab for HOURS and not a feather or flake or scale could be found.

The HAZ MAT team was summoned ASAP to conduct a TOTAL search of the Investigation Facility. Are we at RISK, bloggee? Is the THING contaminating our air, water and the whole BIOSPHERE as we "speak?"

Will we be able to rise up out of our nest in the morning to perform our daily chores of yoga and Denise Austin videos followed by a breakfast of jalapeno peppers and oatmeal washed down with a mojito???

Lets hope (and pray) that we all will be able to do so and, thus, continue to follow the American dream which is our destiny!!

Meantime, back at the LAB.....(remember the LAB?????)

TOWN TATTLER. December 26, 2008
.........................................................................................................
"Investigators and SBP (oh come on! You have to do SOME work around here - I can't do EVERYTHING for you!) agents are STILL waiting for the mysterious EGG to hatch already!

Local biologists and egg authorities are puzzled (to put it mildly) as to why the hatching process is taking so long and why it has taken on this BIZARRE and UGLY twist.

"Looks to me like this egg is doing something WEIRD but WHAT I don't know - don't ask me!" said Dr. Mort Pookleman of the Nobucks Museum in Lincoln Park."

"Something IS happening. I'll say that" said Richard Bee, lab janitor, "and I think we're going to have a development REAL SOON - like maybe tonight. Mark my words!!"

Nope it wasn't THAT ONE....its THIS one - "Santa Mouse!"

"Welcome to planet Earth, Grand Master!"

"MERRY CHRISTMAS to all!" he SQUEAKED.

Then he turned around and and ran BACK up the steps into the mothership.

Yikes - will he come back out? Where did he come from?

He sure is CUTE, I'll give him that!

Meantime we are going to sit here and see what happens next! Stay tuned!

Bob said he thinks he saw HIM coming out!

WHOA! But he's in Hawaii!

Well, if anyone can be in TWO places at once....

WOW - the MOTHER SHIP has landed!!

OK, guys. Don't believe me, but HERE it is!

Congrats, to "Bob" for hiding among the gifts after "they" went out into the blizzard with many beauteous gifts hoping for same in return.
When they got home they were grrrrrrrr mad!
Seems a coven of old WITCHES (see previous posting, dear bloggee, if you haven't been keeping up!) STOLE their gifts and left them in a snow bank(!) to drift away....
Bob escaped just in the NICK of time and made it back home on the # 151 Express. WOW - that was CLOSE!
Anyway, he and I are going to ride the el downtown (that's an adventure!) and camp under the "ship" tonight and wait to see who comes out! To keep warm we brewed up a BIG, XMAS eve batch of SPECIAL single malt corn pone.
I think we're in for a bad run of things, but your loyal bloggers, Pip and Bob, will keep you informed as to the LATEST events - keep your computer on - I'll give a holler when something happens!

Beware.....must be the "Be-WITCH"ing hour....

"SCARY people were out today - I hope they didn't cross your path, bloggee! They are not only FUGLY but are mean like a couple of old snakes. Like we said......BEWARE - we heard they are still around.

Sigh....look out the window - then check THIS out....

See where president-elect is staying for 10 days! (You have to watch a commercial first...)

JOB POSTING: "Fun" 129 year old seeks companion!"

"Snail Hts resident is seeking an equally "fun" companion for trips, massages, yoga sessions, salsa dancing, and bungee jumping opportunities.
Must be hypoallergenic, 100% albino, love scorpions and be proficient in Urdu. Concert accordian player preferred.
Room and board provided."

"World wide demand for shoes thrown at the Mayor!"

"Contrary to popular thought the shoes PITCHED VIOLENTLY at Mayor Spinaltzzzo were NOT the conservative WING TIPS previously pictured (sorry...) but INSTEAD they were a designer concept pair of "Manola Prada's" purchased just for the occasion by the intrepid shoe flinging reporter."

"As you can see they are VERY attractive and PRACTICAL, too, which explains the stupendous demand for them all over the globe - from Dublin to Dubai!"
(I hope its not too late to order a few dozen pair for Xmas! The price is right, too, at only 10000,0x0x per shoe! SUCH A DEAL!)

Newly chosen "Heavenly Messenger-elect" is coming!!!!

"Residents of the Biosphere Project were out scrubbing the sidewalks all night and all day to have everything "spit spot" awaiting the arrival of the brand new "Heavenly Messenger-Elect" WOW - what excitement!
More *HOT* news on THIS topic to come - stay tuned and I mean STAAAAY TUUUUUUNED!

Press conference: Mayor will "fight to the death!"

TOWN TATTLER December 19, 2008

"Mayor Maurice Spinaltzzzo spoke to the press for a few minutes yesterday stating for all the world to hear that he is INNOCENT and will FIGHT to prove his INNOCENCE til his last dying breath!"
As the reporters began to pepper him with questions , he jumped off the stage, did a back over flip, 100 "crunches" and, pulling off his Brooks Brothers navy blue suit, he revealed a SILVER track suit with a huge glowing "S" on the chest. He then jogged out of the room to the music of "Jailhouse Rock" blaring in the background.
(Nothing is more invigorating than a good JOG, bloggee! )

"Pure Peace Salon" division of the "Pip" fan club.

Pure Peace is the coolest!

pure is life is love is beauty is peace.

Mayor's engagement (!) is announced!

"WOW! The society column reporter of the "Snail Hts. Town Tattler" received the following puzzling fax a few minutes ago:
.........................................................................................................
December 18, 2008
"Mayor Maurice Spinaltzzzo's Communications Director, "Bigfoot" announces, with pleasure, the Mayor's engagement to Miss "Little Dorrit" of "Snail Hts. Village."

Miss "Little Dorrit" was presented with the above TWO carrot dazzler of an engagement ring.
A spring wedding is planned to be held in the futuristic, mega bucks "Heaven's Glen" luxury hotel spire, "Heaven Sent."
............................................................................................................................................................
HUH??? And his current wife, Mrs. Mayor Spinaltzzzo, is MISSING? I smell something VERY rotten here, but it IS a gorgeous ring, so there's that.
Anyway, CONGRATULATIONS to the happy couple!
Rumor has it that a GALA New Year's Eve party is being planned - we can't wait!!

Double shocker!

Psssst, blogee! Over here!! No, not THERE.....over .....here....
OK. Good.
Here is the latest poop right from the horses' whatever....Mayor Spinaltzzzo was released from Snail Hts own Guacamole Prison yesterday! He took out a 10 billion scribbles loan on his private palatial residence to make bail .
Odd thing is.....now MRS. Mayor Spinaltzzzo is MISSING!
She hasn't been seen by anyone since yesterday morning and friends and family members are worried sick that she might have met with the same kind of foul play (!) that befell the Mayor's previous 4 wives! WOW!!
Stay turned....this doesn't look good!

It SURE was cold last night!

I had to curl up in front of the fireplace but not so close as to singe one precious hair.
That's why you can't see me.

Guess where I didn't go today?

SOME people (names not disclosed) went there today for some exercise but did an adorable little white haired guy get a chance to go out and run around in the snow and such?

NO! NO! NO!

Maybe, in the middle of the night, SOMEONE(S) might get their big old toes bitten....it could happen!

Whoa......something is going on back at the lab!!!

"Do I see a tiny face about to peek out? WHOA!!!" Hold on now.....don't get excited!! Everything is under control....do you have your HAZ MAT suit ready??

Checking on a FEW of the loose ends around here....

Due to popular request ("What the HELL are you going ON about ???") I have written a summary to date of the many threads in the "Pip's Ear" blog:

1.) My name is Pip. I live on Lake Shore Drive and I'm, pretty much, a spoiled brat. Next question??
2.) I have MANY stuffed animals and my best buddy is a sponge named "Bob." OK?
3.)Several of my outdoor snails, namely "Tip" and "Tap," were nabbed by "person or persons unknown" last summer and we have a APB out on them - in this planet or some other one.
4.)My neighbor on one side is a zombie and on the other side are a family of vampires.....so????
5.)I live with "him" and "her" - they let me do whatever I want which is JUST the way I like it.
6.) Me and Bob like to stay up into the wee hours of the night, google things and drink some fine freshly made corn pone liquor......mmmmmmmmm.....now THAT is time well spent!
7.) "They" brought in some snails from the garden to live out the winter in a glass bowl they call the "terrarium" but we call it the Biosphere Project. Several snails live in that bowl and they are:
Mr. (now "Mayor") Spinaltzzzo, Dr. Pickles, Little Dorrit and "Big Foot."
Bob and I made up a story about them cuz we are SO BORED! In this story we called part of the Biosphere Project, "Snail Heights" a small townish community with some strange looking "houses" which may be holograms as they change a lot - from castles to shanties, etc.
8.) There is a rival project in the Biosphere called "Heaven's Gate" which is still only a PROPOSAL at this point but, WOW!, when it, finally gets built, its going to be INCREDIBLE! It will make Trump Tower look like Pottersville and it will be a "cradle to eternal rest" community - "Satisfies ALL your needs from burping to cremating and in between, too."
9.)Due to the poor economy, sales have been slow at the "Gate" project but, regardless, the builders went ahead with the ground breaking ceremony.
A terrible construction accident occurred, however, and an enormous hole was uncovered which almost swallowed up the Mayor, himself. The project was halted until tests were run on the terrain.
10.) A series of unsettling events involving Mayor Spinaltzzzo and the Trust Fund for the entire Biosphere have caused riotous developments in that he has been charged with SOLICITING BRIBES and GIFTS in order to secure contracts for his cronies.
I, Pip, have been working as his attorney, although there IS a SMALL shadow on my law license due to the fact that my alma mater, "Ole Snailey" University Law School's accredidation has been challenged and is, currently, under scrutiny by the Board of Examiners.
At a recent press conference an intrepid reporter threw his shoes at the Mayor, which is a well known sign of contempt among snails. He was thoroughly trounced by the SBP (Special Biosphere Police) and tossed into the fetid "Guacamole Prison," located in the swampish, far reaches of Lower Snail Hts.
The family of the intrepid reporter has rallied thousands to his cause. Rioting has been almost non-stop since rumors surfaced regarding his receiving poor treatment while in Prison.
Whispers continue that the poor wretch is being denied the required amounts of both shaved organic apple slices AND cuttle bone which are necessary for a snail to keep body and soul together!
Yow - this is getting damn UGLY (!)an anathema to the entire snail nation!
OH!!!! I ALMOST forgot - a UFO crashed into my FAVORITE place to walk in the whole world - Montrose Harbor. After hours of cleanup by the UFO SPECIAL UNIT SQUAD - a tiny brown egg was retrieved from the freezing lake waters. It was brought to a special LAB where it is under 24 hour POLICE GUARD. The last thing we heard (via the ever vigilant Snail Hts rumor mill) was that the egg was SHAKING and it looked like SOMETHING was about to HATCH out of it!!
Can you believe all this action and I've only been blogging for about 4 months! Imagine what will happen next!! Stay tuned, dear bloggee!

SHOE RIOTS!

From "The Town Tattler," December 15, 2008, * PM.
...............................................................................
"Rioting has continued for the second night in the Snail Heights Biosphere Project!
Dissatisfaction with Mayor Spinaltzzzo's POTENTIAL bribery charges has spiraled into a full fledged shoe throwing DISASTER as rioters took over the streets of Snail Heights again last night, throwing Molotov cocktails made of fermented apples, plums and home made beer.
Over turning cars, they challenged SB (Special Biosphere) police - charging past rose trellises, white picket fences, down Cherry Tree Lane and adjacent passageways - even approaching "Dark City" which, as we all know, dear bloggee, is OFF LIMITS to all but the CHOSEN FEW.....which does NOT include YOU!
Commander Glen Fiddich, of the SB Police Force promised the citizens of Snail Heights that peace would return to the previously quiet Biosphere and that the unruly RIOTERS will be brought under control, "one way or another!"
Just then the impromptu press conference was brought to an abrupt end as Cmmdr Fidich was pelted from behind by a lone combat boot which knocked him to the ground in one fell swoop!"
Wow! I'm frightened, bloggee! I am!!"
"

What CATLIKE reflexes!

WOW!

LATEST BULLETIN FROM THE SPINALTZZZO ADMINISTRATION
December 15, 2008:


"With the reflexes of a 160 lb Siamese CAT, Mayor Maurice Spinaltzzzo, was able to successfully duck n' dodge the wingtips that came FLYING at his long, articulated head yesterday, reported his news director, "Dr. Jack Pickles."

(Bloggee, if you have been ASLEEP all weekend and don't have a CLUE as to what has been going on (BAD bloggee!) see yesterdays's blog entry!)

"AND, Dr. Pickles continued, "if the BIOSPHERE PROJECT hadn't been properly cleaned out recently due to the HARD WORK of the Mayor, that JUVENILE and IMMATURE shoe tossing journalist would NEVER had had the FREEDOM to throw those size TENS!"

(Hmmmmph! NICE TRY at that pathetic spin job, Pickles, but we AIN'T buyin' it!")

Shoe shocker!

"TOWN TATTLER" December 14, 2008

"While attending a press conference tonight dealing with the embezzlement charges facing Mayor Maurice Spinaltzzzo, an angry reporter took off his shoes and pitched them at the Mayor, causing him to hit the floor and call for his mommy!

"HELP, MOMMY!" were his exact words.

The shoe flinging reporter was dragged out of the conference room and sent to "Guacamole Prison" where he will be imprisoned for the rest of his natural life or until hell freezes over - whichever happens first.
WOW! What next, bloggee??? Things are REALLY heating up!!

Meanwhile.....back in Snail Hts......

The *hot* rumor of the hour is that our dear WRONGLY ACCUSED of MANY bad things Mayor Maurice Spinaltzzzo may RESIGN tomorrow!! WOW!
He was seen darting over to the "Shell Square" headquarters of his renowned "attorney," Pip S. Ear, Esquire to discuss his options.
Insiders at "Hanley's House of Happiness.com," the jam packed virtual Irish pub, are whispering in hushed tones that the Mayor and Attorney Ear are "kicking around" the idea he (the Mayor) may tender his resignation tomorrow so they will be able to work FULL TIME on mounting his DEFENSE STRATEGY.
Hmmmmmmmmmmm.....................
In the meantime, Assistant Mayor, "Bigfoot" will assume the mayoral responsibilities...once he is located as he hasn't been seen or heard from for several weeks.
Again......WOW (!!) Where do YOU think he is?? Is he in HIDING?? Is he in a Witness Protection Program????
Oh, bloggee, THIS is going to be EXCITING! You FORGET, now, about all that "UFO" stuff going on in the other life of this thrilling blog, ok?
You just FORGET ALL about that shaking egg and the super secret investigation into the crash debris which may (or may not) hold the answer to the mystery of the universe.
You just FORGET about all THAT and concentrate on OUR BREATHTAKING adventures here in the biosphere, ok??? Is that a deal????

Yikes! Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

BULLETIN:

Almost all the debris from the recent UFO crash in Montrose Harbor has been collected and is being analyzed under under a cloak of complete secrecy by a team of *top* ufologists and scientists from the prestigious University of Snail Heights.
Under the cover of night, the items were slipped into the investigation lab for immediate examination. Before anyone noticed, however, the school janitor snapped a photo of a bizarre object found at the crash site. ( It was being guarded 'round the clock by several beefy BIOSPHERE AGENTS...) After the agents nipped out for a cup of cocoa, "J", the aforementioned janitor, sneaked in and took the above photo, thinking he could peddle it for a cool million to the National Enquirer (enterprising!!!)
He heard the agents say that the object had been found at the VERY epicenter of the crash!
The tiny brown and white egg was floating within a HUGE halo formation of thousands of ordinary .......SNAILS...... as if they were PROTECTING it!
The janitor said he ran away when he heard the agents returning to the room and that, just then, the egg began to SHAKE VIOLENTLY!
YOW!
WOW!

TOWN TATTLER, December 10, 2008

"Hot News" news - about recent UFO landing!

" A distance shot from Wheaton, Illinois shows the huge blast which accompanied the entry of a UFO into scenic Montrose Harbor in Lincoln Park.

Although local police "poo poo'd" the event as "business as usual" on the north side of Chicago, Lake Shore Drive residents were knocked out of their beds Tuesday night at 7 PM (they're early risers as they like to attend morning Mass!) when the huge "splash down" occurred.
An early evening dog walker "Hudson" of 165 Eaton Place was a self described "eye-witness" to the spectacular UFO sighting but refused to be interviewed and 'would only say that he was awe struck and would inform his "master," Lord Bellamy" of the incident so he could bring it up in the "Parliment" in the morning.
HUH????
Is it possible that "Hudson" was a little more than a simple "onlooker" and was, perhaps, an OCCUPANT of said UFO and had nabbed the nearest dog, oddly named "PIPINSKI" with VERY huge ears and an impudent disposition, in order to appear "normal??"
What do you think???? I think something STINKS and it begins with odd duck "Hudson" and his (even) odder dog, "PIPINSKI?"

Happy Birthday Mayor Spinaltzzo!!

"Mayor Maurice Spinaltzzo and his lovely bride, Mrs Mayor Spinaltzzo, celebrated his birthday today behind bars at the Snail Heights Jail where he is, temporarily, being held on charges of high corruption and low misdemeanors.

A small celebration was held in their jail cell as Mrs. "S" OR as she's affectionately known around Snail Heights, "UNINDICTED CO-CONSPIRATOR No. 23" gifted her husband with a beautiful 3 tier birthday cake.
Sadly , the special Eddie Bauer diamond file blade baked into the second tier was detected by file searching dogs."
Drat!

Arrest shocker!

(Attention - special bloggee notice:
The current FASCINATING story re: the Montrose Harbor UFO is being temporarily tabled due to HOT breaking news re: todays' SHOCKING arrest and manacling of "Snail Heights" Mayor Maurice Spinnozzo! WOW!
see SORDID details below.....

"Mayor Maurice Spinaltzzo was frog marched out of his unique hilltop home (see photo) this morning by special agents from the BSP (Bionic Squad Police.) Wearing his quilted baby blue running shorts and tapioca colored "wife beater" tee shirt, Mayor Spinaltzzo wise cracked his way out to the waiting helicopter, leaving the awaiting press corps with puzzled expressions when he yelled to them - "Sew buttons on your underwear, CHUMPS" (!!)
WHAT can this mean, bloggees????

On another front, "Pip," the Mayor's best "pal" and millionaire fund raiser, planted a secret recording device in the Mayor's Ficus plant which picked up private conversations between Mayor Spinaltzzo and "Mack Slick" president of the controversial PR firm, "Slick & Slicker. These conversations revealed not only NOTORIOUS but NEFARIOUS deals involving specious "short sales" and home FORECLOSURES in the proposed exclusive mega bucks "Heaven's Glen" gated community, slated to have ground breaking in early 2009 in "Snail Heights."

WOW, bloggees, - what's next? How much more EXCITEMENT can we STAND?? I need a "scotch & soda" - how about you??? Meet you at the new virtual Irish saloon, "Hanley's House of Happiness.com" in 20 minutes!! I'll get the first round!

Another view of UfO approaching Montrose Harbor!

Intrepid jogger finds more photos!







"Serially unemployed Lakeview resident finds MORE photos! A setting she wasn't even AWARE of ("stratosphere") ALSO clicked off a photo when the half frozen librarian tumbled over and fell on her antiquated camera/cell phone.

This image seems to portray a great LIGHT coming from the east and headed towards planet EARTH!!

Where did it COME from? Why did it come from there? Does it have SOMETHING to do with the proposed "Heavenly GLen" mega bucks super gated up community coming soon to the Snail Heights biosphere project???

Is the whole thing just some kind of CHEAP PROMOTIONAL attempt to TERRIFY the hapless public into opening their mega wallets and spending some of those many MEGA BUCKS they've been CLINGING to in this so-called "economic crisis"...hmmmmm???

That would REALLY be wrong!!!

Montrose Harbor UFO SHOCKER!

*HOT* North Side News:

"Mystery at Montrose Harbor!"

"Fishermen and joggers were SHOCKED Saturday night when a firey object flashed across the winter sky and seemed to land right before their eyes!
A few stalwart fisherman and simple minded joggers who bravely faced below zero wind chills yesterday, reported they were suddenly KNOCKED to the ground by a SCREAMING beacon of light which sped through the night sky, and crashed into the water right before them!
Luckily, a jogger (one of the slowest in Lincoln Park history....) a local, chronically unemployed LIBRARIAN, who said she COULD be referred to only as "her" (?) states she was thrown to the ground at the impact of the UFO, clumsily landed on her 6 year old camera/cell phone which snapped the attached photo (!)
"Her" 27 year companion jogger was able to dig through his 24 layers of outer wear and assorted gear to get to "HIS" cell phone and call the police who arrived 2 hours later.
When the "fuzz" arrived they quickly investigated the scene from within their squad car and dismissed the growing crowd of frightened onlookers, telling them there was "nothing there" and to "MOVE ALONG!"
WOW!
(Stay turned, bloggees, we're in for a BRAND NEW adventure....can't you see it coming?? Its WAY "over due", you know....)

The "fist bump" validated(??)

45 days, 1 hour and ....minutes to go!

"Old Snaily U. Law School", Snail Heights, Biosphere

Welcome prospective students!

Old Snaily University Law School and its prestigious faculty welcomes you and your family to our lovely, pastoral campus. We want you to walk around, enjoy the beauty of our natural surroundings and make yourselves at home!
Visit the library, the administrative building, the campus chapel, the dormitories.
Swim in our Olympic sized swimming pool, go for a hike on our hilly terrain, meditate in a wooded glen.
Come and sit in on the class(es) of your choice, introduce yourself to professors, mingle with our student body - in other words - visualize yourself as "one of us" -a fellow "Snaily," if you will.
Check out the photo of a typical dorm room, imagine yourself living there - experiencing "Old Snaily" to the fullest! Quite a life, can't you see it??
Stop by the campus recruiter's office and let us explain to you just what "life" means here, in the Biosphere Project where EVERYONE is important - no matter HOW small or HOW slow....

GRUDGE REPORT, Vol I, No. 6

" LAW SCHOOL SHOCKER"

...........................................................................
THIS, just in from the *HOT* "Just Sayin'" column:
..........................................................................
"Wags are chortling about the HUGELY embaressing INCIDENT that took place at the Capital Building yesterday regarding our own Snailiarium representatives! WOW!!

As we all have heard, they ORIGINALLY, each arrived in DC via thier individual "jet packs" but were met with SUCH ridicule at their EXTRAVAGANCE that they had to turn around, go back home, and return via individual GREYHOUND buses!!

Then, they had only just SAT DOWN when it seems that not only was their "attorney's" birth certificate CHALLENGED ........BUT.......his LAW SCHOOL's VERY EXISTENCE was questioned (!!)

An investigation was immediately launched into the "accreditation"" of "OLDE SNAILY U." located right here in our new bioshere project, SNAIL HEIGHTS (!!)

In order to PROVE that "OLD SNAILY" is, indeed, a PRESTIGIOUS IVY covered legal institution of GREAT RENOWN - Attorney "Ear" produced a photo of the great university - SEE!!!!!!!!!

..........STAY tuned!!! (WOW!!)

GRUDGE REPORT, Vol I, No. 5

BIRTH CERTIFICATE SHOCKER!!

"Whoa!! We wuz ROBBED!" cried"shyster", er, "attorney" "Pip S. Ear" regarding the ill fated jetting into Washington (DC) yesterday of he and his two developer clients, "Jack Slick and Mack Slicker (....oh, just see below, you lazy bloggee!!).

Anyway, i t seems that JUST as attorney "Ear" was about to present his CRITICAL BAILOUT PLEA before the Congressional Sub-Committee, a document came SAILING in over the transom of the Hearings Room which revealed TO ALL concerned that "attorney" "Ear" is, in fact, NOT a U.S. citizen BUT, in fact, is a FOREIGN NATIONAL and, therefore, NOT ELIGIBLE to plea ANY CASE before the esteemed legislative body of the UNITED STATES CONGRESS!!

"Attorney" Ear vehemently attempted to DENY the VISCIOUS and UNFOUNDED charges waged against him (that he was, in fact, BORN IN METABEELEELAND (!!! whereEVER THAT IS!!) but the document proved INCONTROVERTIBLE so the THREE of them were TOSSED out on their respective KEESTERS!!
WOW!!!! STAY TUNED!!!! (Oooooo - THIS is getting juicy!!

GRUDGE REPORT, Vol I, No. 4

--BAILOUT SHOCKER - !

From the *hot* "Just Sayin'" column today:

The "Big THREE" from the Snailarium biosphere project jetted into the Capital this morning to plead their case to the GOVERNMENT!

Yes, its true - "Jack Slick, Mack Slicker of "Slick & Slicker & Ass." and their "mouthpiece", er, "attorney," "Pip S. Ear," a notorious "shyster", er, "legal representative" will THROW themselves (literally...) on the MERCY of the "bureaucrats", er, "elected officials" and PLEAD for ***HELP*** (!)

Due to financial REVERSALS WAY beyond their control, they are petitioning the CONGRESS for a BAILOUT LOAN of $3.5 GAZILLION somethings or other in order to save the highly touted and ambitious BIOSPHERE project from CERTAIN DISASTER!

STAY TUNED ......

Not AGAIN!!

Remember how we found this guy in the microwave the other day? Well, now he is popping up all over the place. In the fridge, on top of cabinets, on the deck. I won't bore you with the photographic evidence, but our surveillance devices have been busy, and with noteworthy results.

OK, OK!!! Don't remind me of the whole Plunko mess and how we ran away from home and ALRIGHT ALREADY, I'm really sorry we panicked and had to come crawling back with our tails twixt our legs etc., etc., etc. ALRIGHT ALREADY!!!!

But you have to admit, it is rather disconcerting. And disturbing. And we are friggin' freakin' out, if you must know the truth. But we are determined to remain OBAMA cool.

What we know so far is this. The hooded guy is some kind of weird apparition who has invaded our universe. His aspect is terrifying. We are going to get the hell away from here RIGHT NOW THIS MINUTE. He calls himself Mr. Kanobe. Or Mr. Canape. I don't know. He's a MUMBLER like the dude in the White House - remember HIM????

OK, sorry. I said I was not going to overreact. But, hey, what if you had cooked up some liver and THEN saw someone GRINNING up at you. Enough said.

Here is what Bob and the birdies (I do LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the little green chirpy one) have been able to find out. It is some kind of projection, maybe a HOLOGRAM (oh - not THAT again - it was STOOOPID the FIRST TIME!!!)

OK, OK. I have holograms on the brain. Maybe so. But hear me out. You know that scene at the beginning of Star Wars when the Princess puts her message into the droid and then it comes out when Obiwan pushes the right buttons and then they all go off to fight the evil empire and half of them get killed and well, I can tell you, I'm not going that's for damned sure, I'll move to Canada first and sweet fancy Moses that's something the weird thing seems to be getting at and he even looks like Obiwan.

Right. Stop right there. Stop right there. We're not going any further down that trail, partner.